The Crazy World of Harry Hazard

 So one day, I had some time to kill and thought I would stop by my local Half Price Books.  This location has a small section of back issue comic books although you won't find much in the way of key issues, and if you do find a key book, be prepared to shell out a lot for it.  Like 300 bucks for Incredible Hulk #271, featuring the first appearance of Rocket Raccoon.  SERIOUSLY???  Whoever researched the value there needs to stop referring to eBay!

I've digressed enough, though.  I found this little gem within their boxes.  Only a dollar, BTW.  Probably paid too much. though.  Can't believe this garbage actually retailed for almost 4 bucks!  Is it any wonder why I rarely buy new comics anymore?

Anyway, for your pleasure, amusement, or disgust (take your pick!), here's Image's Elephantmen #46 from 2013.

I thought such grandiose demands from comic book villains were a thing of the past.  Statements like "BOW BEFORE THE MIGHT OF [insert name of cheesy egomaniacal villain here]" were corny then and even moreso now.  Perhaps writer Richard Starkings was feeling nostalgic?  And speaking of Richard, isn't he primarily known as a comic book letterer?  I suppose the staff he employs at his Comicraft studio can handle all the lettering and design assignments they are hired for, so he has some free time to pursue other interests.  Maybe find a hobby there, Rich; leave the writing to those with something of a resume in the craft.

And one of the first visages we're treated to is a scantily-clad large-breasted woman vomiting!  What's the matter, sweetie?  Those 'shrooms not agree with you?

Say, Hip, her vomit does kinda look like salad; a 'shroom salad!

Enter Harry Hazard, who comes across as the love child of Dr. Manhattan and Andy Warhol.  And what's with those shades?  I think you could order those from a comic book ad years ago!  Like these, maybe?

OK, close enough!  Speaking of seeing "bones thru skin," we don't need no stinkin' x-ray specs to see through Mr. Hazard's skin!  Yikes!

And what "men in the moon" is Mr. Hazard speaking of?  

Anthropomorphic hippos and walking x-rays.  Starkings is trying to go for something Kafka-esque in his storytelling, I would suspect.

So not a few pages in, we cut to a flashback of Hazard aka Spore's origin story.  Hey, all good supervillain origin stories take place at the Santa Monica beach.  Didn't you know that?

Oh, no!  The old folks are shocked upon gazing at the nearly-bare-assed shot of Harry's girlfriend.  Mrs. Slocombe looks horrified (or jealous, maybe) while Indiana Jones may start drooling at any moment!

And y'know, Harry, if you just gonna stare at Trudy all day...  

...she's just gonna bury you up to your neck in SAND and put on a show for you!  But she's probably putting on a show for the whole beach, too; it's not like there's a curtain or tent around.

And that bucket on his head?  Keeps him from looking at other beach bunnies while she goes for ice cream!

So what do you suppose attracted Harry to Trudy?  Her ta-tas?  Backside?  Or maybe that combo pigtails-and-brushcut hairdo?  Honey, I'd sue whoever did that to your hair!  Seriously!

Suddenly, a meteor strikes the beach, vaporizing everyone!  What's that sand bucket made out of, anyway?  Didn't even melt!  It was the only thing protecting Harry's noggin, until...

...CHOPPERS SHOW UP!  Geez, what did Harry do to piss off the military???  This story is not making much sense so far!

Hmmm....where have I seen this before?  This looks so familiar!  Oh, yeah!  Here you go!

Well, so much for originality!  You suppose Harry is going to "hulk" out?  Read on...

OK, so he's not huge and green!  Still the same size and now a pale shade of blue, not unlike a Marvel Universe Atlantean.  Any powers?  Well, you can see his skeletal system when held up to the light!  Oh, and he can grow mushrooms out of his hand!  OK, that's....weird!

Obviously, his powers do not include paying the rent on time, as his landlord lays into him reciting much of Alex Lifeson's speech at the Rock 'n' Roll Hall of Fame induction ceremony.  Those must be some dark shades he's wearing; doesn't even notice Harry's new and unusual skin tone!

All you renters out there; don't you fantasize about doing something like that to YOUR landlord?  That's some bad power, Harry!  Turning your landlord into a mushroom explosion!

Half-naked neighbor Vanessa is about to get turned into a mushroom pile, too, until Harry realizes she's high as a kite...and anxious to eat mushrooms off his fingertips.  Harry is only too happy to oblige her1  Well, why not?  Trudy is now a vaporized shadow etched into the sands of Santa Monica beach!

Yes, the talking hippo wants to know....WHO ARE THE MEN IN THE MOON????

Mappo?  What's Mappo?  Did I miss something here, perhaps in previous issues?  Not that I'm going to waste any more money on this drek!  How did the guys in charge at Image even green-light this disaster, much less continue to publish to 46 issues and beyond?

And to get the reader to anxiously anticipate the next issue, the artist creeps us out with mushrooms bulging out of Harry's eye sockets!  Thanks, Richard and company!  Can't wait!

_________________________________________________________________________________

Good to be back, ladies and gentlemen!  Join us again in less than a week when Jackie Jokers really gets into character as The Funz (yes, it's Harvey Comics' thinly-veiled version of The Fonz).  I think Henry Winkler's job security was beyond safe, trust me!

Till next time,

Excelsior!

I'M RICH, BITCH!!!

Ahh, who wouldn't love a weekend getaway on a yacht?  Make sure the captain checks the weather reports; we don't want this excursion turning into more than just a "three-hour tour."  Not sure how this cruise is going to go; we already see Gilligan slouching just below the story title!  In any event, full speed ahead, kiddies!  Time to take a ride on "Aunt Noovo's Yacht!"

OK, so right off the bat, I see few things wrong here!  As the boys are boarding, you see the buoy marked "S.S. Noovo" yet in the fourth panel the ship is marked "S.S. Terribly Expensive."  This story must have been edited/proofread on a Friday afternoon.

And how is Freckles able to read the name of the ship from that vantage point?  To read it properly, he'd have to extend himself to the point where he'd fall out of that porthole and then it's "MAN OVERBOARD!"

And then there's the cabin door!  "Richie and Freckles"???  C'mon, it's not THAT kind of cruise!

By the way, where's Peewee?  For those who don't know, that's Freckles' mute kid brother and is always tagging along!  He wan't invited on this cruise?  Is he grounded for some reason?

Enter Richie's aunt Noovo!  What kind of a name is Noovo anyway?  Well, when you understand how her name is pronounced (new-vo, the last "o" is long), you'll understand.  Noovo Rich (her moniker, that is) is a play on words.  Sounds like "nouveau riche", doesn't it?

And she really needs to rethink that hairdo; unless that thing is secured by about two gallons of Aquanet, those sea winds and humidity are going to play hell with it!

Yes, boys, lots to do on the yacht!  After a quick dip in the widest shipboard pool in the world, you guys can go hit the crap tables!  Isaac can whip up a couple of his special cockta...oops, wrong boat!  Sorry!

So THAT's how we know it's the widest...and the deepest, too!  If she was a man, I'd swear Noovo was trying to compensate for something!

Yes, Freckles, read the sign!  I don't think Richie knows either...or maybe he's thinking "the less I know the better!"  Think Freckles lost his appetite in discovering he was chowing down on FISH EGGS???  I don't think he cares if it's expensive or not; it's FISH EGGS!!!  Not what he signed up for!  Bring out the Chateaubriand, medium rare!

Yes, you'd think Richie gave them the finger or something!

And the yacht is probably bigger, too!  You know Noovo; she goes all out to have the biggest and best!  Still, the sign is totally unnecessary and childish.  Think she has an axe to grind against the Navy?

And speaking of bigger boats, here's a hilarious moment from the classic comedy Caddyshack!  Enjoy!

Yeah, Judge, you scratched his anchor!  It's probably worth more than that pissant tub you call a boat!

Oh, COME ON!!!  Noovo organizes sunsets now???  What an ego!!!

So when a lighthouse malfunctions (or the keeper is passed out drunk), the Coast Guard depends on Noovo Rich to help out in a pinch!  OK, then!  Hey, at least she's civic-minded and seems to know what she's doing, like she did a stint in the Guard herself.  Can't say for sure though.

Ya know, it's great that she's helping other sea vessels from ending up shipwrecked, but advertising the fact that her yacht is worth 50 million...well, that's practically an invitation for pirates to board her ship!  Good thing they're not sailing anywhere near Somalia!

Hey, I noticed something while reading this story!  Noovo is single!  Hey, fellas, if you don't mind being a kept man, look up Noovo's profile on eHarmony.  You may have to endure a kitschy lifestyle, but you'll never have to fight rush hour traffic again!

OK, that's going to do it for this week!  Sorry I've fallen behind on posts; extraordinarily busy these past few weeks.  I'll try to get back on track.  Till next time,

Excelsior!

Remember that spaghetti scene from "Lady and the Tramp?"

Who doesn't love pizza?  I know I do!  And we all know Jughead does!  And so do his pals Archie and Reggie (well, the latter is more of a frenemy, actually)!  So much so that they take advantage of Jug's unfortunate accident!  Read what happens next in "Pizza Pirates."

Don't you just hate it when that happens?  You buy a pizza, you rush to get it home, and you trip on a curb while holding the pizza sending it airborne?

Yee-uck!  It landed on Archie's head!  But does that stop Archie and his scheming pal Reggie from making off with Jug's pizza?  No way!  Even with the lack of utensils, Archie and Reggie start munching down on their newly-acquired sphere of yumminess!  Wonder if they'll lock lips after they finish all that pizza!  So which one is Lady and which is the Tramp?

That's some nose you have there, Jug!  You think you'll be able to recover your pizza?  You sure you want to?  It might have landed on a pile of dog poo!

Nope!  He spots Archie and Reggie picking their teeth and rubbing their bellies (their own, that is), putting two and two together!

A starving man's mouth?  C'mon, Jug, stop being such a drama queen!  Sally Struthers won't be raising money for you anytime soon!  For those of you going "who?," here you go:

You're welcome!  Now back to the story!

Pops should know better!  I don't think his business insurance will cover a customer who comes behind the counter to prepare his own food!  And I don't know the health code laws in Riverdale, but I'm sure Jughead would need a foodhandler's card to work in a commercial kitchen  Pops, you're setting yourself up for all kinds of trouble just because you didn't want to say "no" to a customer!

Do Archie and Reggie have nothing else better to do than to spy on Jug through a fence knothole?  And can they finish another large pizza just moments after gobbling down the first one?  Get a life, guys!

Geez, the things we Americans ingest!  Artificial flavoring in soda, rodent hairs in cans of chili, mucilage in pizza sauce...WHEN WILL IT END???  For Archie and Reggie, those guys may never eat pizza or anything else again!  Get ready for it!!!!

Not only will these guys have to be fed intravenously for at least a short while, but now the whole town will be talking about their supposed "relationship." Yeah, I know they're not "that way," but it's still weird that they didn't find time to hunt down a knife and paper plates, at least.  Not much chance, though, of them ending up like this:

OK, that's it for today!  Join us next time when we take a ride on the Love Boat...well, not really!  You'll see what I mean!

Excelsior!

From bribery to plagiarism to outright thievery!

If you've ever read a Richie Rich comic, watched the Saturday morning cartoon or even the live-action movie with Macaulay Culkin in the titular role, you'll know what a mischievous, conniving brat Richie's cousin Reggie Van Dough is.  In the following story, Reggie leaves the whoopee cushions and electric hand buzzers at home as he is concerned about his grades in school.  Does he decide to buckle down and hit the books?  Well, maybe not right away!  He gets a few ideas on how to achieve good marks without all that studying junk!  Today I present this gem (get it?) from Richie Rich and Gloria #9 (dated July 1979) titled "Theme's Pretty Bad."  By the way, why is Richie getting billing for this story.  He only appears in about a third of the story.  This is more of a Reggie story!  Whatever, though; let's go!

Yes, Reggie, the very idea!  What's the matter with you?  If you're going to bribe your teacher, do it with things like gold, diamonds, and bearer bonds!  Stuff that can appreciate in value!  Hey, Miss Truly didn't say she wouldn't be bribed, period; just not with cash!

Well, Reg, you didn't go about it in the right way!  And you're still not doing it right; you think you have enough money to pay Richie to do your homework for you?  He could sell you into slavery if he wanted!  Why not try the community college downtown?  Bet you'd find a college student in need of a few bucks!

Oh, THAT old trick!  Let's copy something out of a book and turn it in as your own!  In the real world, kid, you'd be sued for plagiarism!  If the original author is no longer alive, there's still the estate you have to deal with!

And here comes Miss Truly on her way to the library as well.  Doing some research, teach? Checking out some Harlequin romances or Debbie Macomber?  Maybe eyeing some beefcake within those hallowed halls?  Good luck with that; you'll just have to settle for Harlequins.

Boy, is she pissed?  She goes all She-Hulk on Reggie's plagiarized paper!!!  Calm down, lady!  Get yourself a man quick!

BTW, anybody know this O. Henry story?  It's not quite as well known as, say, "The Gift of the Magi."  But to briefly summarize the story, it's about a kid who gets kidnapped and is held for ransom.  But the kid is a monster; he's so bratty and obnoxious the kidnappers actually pay the kid's father to take him back!  And I do believe this story was the inspiration of a Reggie story where he gets kidnapped and generally makes life hell for his kidnappers.  Maybe I'll do a future post on it.  For now, back to it!

Most teachers WOULD fail you, Reg!  And Miss Truly, you might not want to upload that scowl onto your eHarmony profile!

Oh, just left it lying around in your room, eh, Richie?  Anyone can get at it, considering the estate guards must either have the day off or are on strike!

Gee, all that hard work copying someone else's homework and all you get is a "D"?  C'mon, Reg, didn't you actually read the thing?  You could have made revisions when necessary instead of copying verbatim!  Nobody's that frickin' stupid!

You COULD throw Richie under the bus and claim he copied off of YOU!

Ah, I knew it!  TEACHER'S PET!  TEACHER'S PET!!!

What a cheat?  REALLY, Reg???  Three words:  pot, kettle, black!

And then it's revealed that Reggie copied one of Richie's papers from probably the second grade!  Well, that's just embarrassing!  Wasn't Richie's handwriting back in the day enough to give it away?  He probably wasn't even writing in cursive yet!  Yes, you'd better settle for that "D" or risk failing if you confess!

So to end the story, Reggie pledges to do his own work from now on...or at least until he reaches high school when he discovers Cliff Notes at the bookstore!

OK, that'll do it for now!  Feel free to post comments on this or any of my previous entries.  I'd love to read 'em!

Next time we'll look at an homage to the classic Disney film Lady and the Tramp....sort of!

Excelsior!

Come and knock on our door...before entering, please!

Ah, the ever-timeless Archie!  He and the gang have been in high school since 1941.  Apparently the Riverdale school district doesn't have a social promotion requirement.  Furthermore, they must all be immortal as well, like Connor MacLeod in Highlander.  They never age and can't seem to graduate from high school.

Seriously, though, ageless characters are nothing new to comics.  Unlike Marvel and DC, however, Archie hasn't jumped on the "reboot" bandwagon.  They just redesign and update the look, dress, and societal attitudes of the characters to reflect the times.  Take, for instance, this selection from Everything's Archie #6 (dated Jan. 1970).  The 60s were coming to a close, Woodstock had just wrapped up a few months earlier, so what's the big deal about the gang playing a supposedly-innocent game of "post office"?  If you've ever read an Archie comic at any point in your life, you know there's going to be some hi-jinks!  So let's dive into "Pucker Power"!

OK, I see a few things wrong with the first page, particularly the first panel!  First, who made Veronica the student council president?  Was there a coup?  Probably not, but I'm sure her daddy's money was involved somehow!  It's not like there are any REAL qualifications to being on the student council; school elections are mostly glorified popularity contests anyway!

Second, what's Big Moose doing there?  In spite of the fact that it's the popular kids on the council, schools usually require a minimum grade point average (I'm thinking a "B" average or better) to be on said council.  Moose may be strong as a...er, moose, but he's not the sharpest tool in the shed!

Third, why is it only Archie's friends on the council?  Looks like some ballot box stuffing going on here!  Was the artist nearing a deadline and didn't have time to come up with other characters?

And fourth, it looks like juniors and seniors on the council.  No one to represent the freshmen and sophomores!  What's the deal here?

Um...Jughead, why didn't you bring this up DURING the meeting?  Granted, you make some valid points, but no one's listening now!  And if you think a 45-minute lunch break is short, try going to school where the students only get a half-hour for lunch!  Yes, that's a real thing these days!

Uh-oh!  BUSTED!!!  Most of the students looked shocked when Weatherbee barges in...except for Jug who's chilling now that he's got that rant out of his system.  And Moose has that blank stare as if he's thinking "Duh....what?"

Sure, Betty, suuuure!  We know you've had a crush on your principal for several years now!

I'm thinking, at this point, a vengeful student with an axe to grind could get Weatherbee into trouble for this!  Cops could be called to haul him away, his mug shot seen on every local newscast, and he'd be forced to resign even if found "not guilty."  

Now we're getting into "Three's Company" territory here as the lunch lady walks in on Weatherbee and Ms. Grundy.  But why is Miss Beasley "ashamed"?  It's none of her frickin' business anyway!  Stick to dishing out tuna surprise and cold tater tots, lady!  Sheesh!

Um, maybe you shouldn't have mentioned that, Mr. Weatherbee!  Never mind the disgruntled student from earlier who could throw you under the bus; Miss Beasley is going to demand all sorts of things in exchange for her silence!  She's got you by the balls, pal; now she's gonna squeeze a little!

Hey, Ms. Grundy, you might want to be careful of insulting your boss, especially in front of the students.  Otherwise you might not be offered a contract for the next school year!

And, Jug, Grundy does have a point; you may have a heightened metabolism now, but it won't last forever!  You're probably looking at yourself 30 years from now!

And don't forget about food poisoning!  That's another way things can get out of hand with food!  Ever hear of Montezuma's Revenge, Jug?  Vomiting and defecating at the same time...fun times, eh?

OK, that concludes another post in Funny Book Funnies!  See you next time!

Excelsior!

And this is why kids should never talk to strangers!

NOTE:  Sorry for the delay with this particular post!  I meant for this one to precede the previous post, but I got my wires crossed.  Sorry!  Hey, better late than never...

Anyway, I give to you (reluctantly) this Jackie Jokers solo story which, I assume, came from Jackie's short-lived solo series before he was teamed with Richie Rich (and, of course, Richie got top billing because that's how the world's richest kid rolls!).  Apparently kid comedians can't carry comic book series on their own, so they have to piggyback on a character with a proven track record.  But hey, don't feel too bad, Jackie; you could've ended up like Billy Bellhops (Google it, people!).

But enough digressing; I give you "Cap'n Billy's Come-Back."  It's a laugh riot (that is, if you're easily amused!)!

The town's community theater?  Still looking for that big break, eh, Jackie?  And who's the director of this theater?  He/she must be desperate or on a strict budget to look to a 10-year-old kid to provide entertainment!  Oh, but his surname is "Jokers" like it says on the mailbox!  Riiiight!  By that logic, Richard and Karen Carpenter could've had backup careers as building contractors if that music thing didn't work out.

So this Billy is a "Cap'n"?  OK, then!  Much in the same vein of Captain Kangaroo or Cap'n Crunch!

Hey, Jackie, WHAT ARE YOU DOING???  You shouldn't even be talking to this guy, much less bringing him to your home!  But at least the good Cap'n is willing to sing for his supper rather than stand at an intersection with a cardboard sign!

Grits?  GRITS???  Why, that'll take all of 20 minutes!  Just ask Joe Pesci!  Fortunately, there was some leftover McDonald's in the fridge, so all Jackie's mom had to do was pop them in the microwave for a few minutes!

Oh, so the Cap'n is a vaudeville performer,,,at "liberty!"  Great way to work in those Navy terms there, Cap!  Trying to convince the family that you're a naval officer! Not much demand in the Navy for vaudevillians, eh?  In fact, not much demand for them ANYWHERE!  Vaudeville went into decline by the 1930s and was pretty much dead by the early 50s with the advent of television.  But Jackie's so gullible to believe that vaudeville is alive and well and thriving in the 70s.  Get with it, kid!

Hey, Cap'n, what did Jackie ever do to you?  Hmmm?  Forcing that hat on his head was totally unnecessary!  All you had to do was pull the egg from the hat!  And what do you mean "it shouldn't have broken?"  Was part of the trick to magically hard-boil the egg?  Do us all a favor, Cap'n; stick to juggling!  At least jugglers are a step above mimes on the entertainment hierarchy!

And yet we see more of the good Cap'n's BS when he tells Jackie an equilibrist is "one who balances things."  Well, there's some truth to that statement; an equilibrist is synonymous with a tightrope walker, however!  But does the Cap'n balance himself on a rope?  Since he probably had a few bottles of Boone's Farm earlier in the day, he's probably in no condition to do so!

Oh, but he's OK with balancing patio chairs on his nose and doing cartwheels with both demonstrations ending with disastrous results for Mrs. Jokers.  I'm surprised she didn't go into the house looking for her .22 or a can of pepper spray!

Yeah, I was wondering who that guy dressed like a 1950s gangster was!  Thanks for clarifying, Jackie!  

Oh, Sam is going to book this guy on the club circuit?  Bad move there, Sam!  The mostly-male audience is likely to greet him with "boos" and drunken chants of "BRING ON THE GIRLS!!!"

For now, though, the Cap'n has the opportunity to juggle for the masses at the community theater!  Wow, he can juggle anything!  Irons, sneakers, a dead chicken!  They even got him some new clothes!  The act has the audience laughing hysterically!  Who says vaudeville is dead?

BTW, what's up with Jerry's cheekbones?  Is this the only way the artist can differentiate father and son?  That just looks freakish!  Maybe time for a character redesign?

And don't forget, dear reader, that Jackie has his own comic book on sale now!  Check eBay, Amazon, or the bargain bin at your nearest comic shop!

OK, that's it for this post!  Tune in next time as Archie and the gang as well as the faculty of Riverdale High play "post office!"  No, seriously!  A special delivery just for you!

Excelsior!