Remember that spaghetti scene from "Lady and the Tramp?"

Who doesn't love pizza?  I know I do!  And we all know Jughead does!  And so do his pals Archie and Reggie (well, the latter is more of a frenemy, actually)!  So much so that they take advantage of Jug's unfortunate accident!  Read what happens next in "Pizza Pirates."

Don't you just hate it when that happens?  You buy a pizza, you rush to get it home, and you trip on a curb while holding the pizza sending it airborne?

Yee-uck!  It landed on Archie's head!  But does that stop Archie and his scheming pal Reggie from making off with Jug's pizza?  No way!  Even with the lack of utensils, Archie and Reggie start munching down on their newly-acquired sphere of yumminess!  Wonder if they'll lock lips after they finish all that pizza!  So which one is Lady and which is the Tramp?

That's some nose you have there, Jug!  You think you'll be able to recover your pizza?  You sure you want to?  It might have landed on a pile of dog poo!

Nope!  He spots Archie and Reggie picking their teeth and rubbing their bellies (their own, that is), putting two and two together!

A starving man's mouth?  C'mon, Jug, stop being such a drama queen!  Sally Struthers won't be raising money for you anytime soon!  For those of you going "who?," here you go:

You're welcome!  Now back to the story!

Pops should know better!  I don't think his business insurance will cover a customer who comes behind the counter to prepare his own food!  And I don't know the health code laws in Riverdale, but I'm sure Jughead would need a foodhandler's card to work in a commercial kitchen  Pops, you're setting yourself up for all kinds of trouble just because you didn't want to say "no" to a customer!

Do Archie and Reggie have nothing else better to do than to spy on Jug through a fence knothole?  And can they finish another large pizza just moments after gobbling down the first one?  Get a life, guys!

Geez, the things we Americans ingest!  Artificial flavoring in soda, rodent hairs in cans of chili, mucilage in pizza sauce...WHEN WILL IT END???  For Archie and Reggie, those guys may never eat pizza or anything else again!  Get ready for it!!!!

Not only will these guys have to be fed intravenously for at least a short while, but now the whole town will be talking about their supposed "relationship." Yeah, I know they're not "that way," but it's still weird that they didn't find time to hunt down a knife and paper plates, at least.  Not much chance, though, of them ending up like this:

OK, that's it for today!  Join us next time when we take a ride on the Love Boat...well, not really!  You'll see what I mean!

Excelsior!

Come and knock on our door...before entering, please!

Ah, the ever-timeless Archie!  He and the gang have been in high school since 1941.  Apparently the Riverdale school district doesn't have a social promotion requirement.  Furthermore, they must all be immortal as well, like Connor MacLeod in Highlander.  They never age and can't seem to graduate from high school.

Seriously, though, ageless characters are nothing new to comics.  Unlike Marvel and DC, however, Archie hasn't jumped on the "reboot" bandwagon.  They just redesign and update the look, dress, and societal attitudes of the characters to reflect the times.  Take, for instance, this selection from Everything's Archie #6 (dated Jan. 1970).  The 60s were coming to a close, Woodstock had just wrapped up a few months earlier, so what's the big deal about the gang playing a supposedly-innocent game of "post office"?  If you've ever read an Archie comic at any point in your life, you know there's going to be some hi-jinks!  So let's dive into "Pucker Power"!

OK, I see a few things wrong with the first page, particularly the first panel!  First, who made Veronica the student council president?  Was there a coup?  Probably not, but I'm sure her daddy's money was involved somehow!  It's not like there are any REAL qualifications to being on the student council; school elections are mostly glorified popularity contests anyway!

Second, what's Big Moose doing there?  In spite of the fact that it's the popular kids on the council, schools usually require a minimum grade point average (I'm thinking a "B" average or better) to be on said council.  Moose may be strong as a...er, moose, but he's not the sharpest tool in the shed!

Third, why is it only Archie's friends on the council?  Looks like some ballot box stuffing going on here!  Was the artist nearing a deadline and didn't have time to come up with other characters?

And fourth, it looks like juniors and seniors on the council.  No one to represent the freshmen and sophomores!  What's the deal here?

Um...Jughead, why didn't you bring this up DURING the meeting?  Granted, you make some valid points, but no one's listening now!  And if you think a 45-minute lunch break is short, try going to school where the students only get a half-hour for lunch!  Yes, that's a real thing these days!

Uh-oh!  BUSTED!!!  Most of the students looked shocked when Weatherbee barges in...except for Jug who's chilling now that he's got that rant out of his system.  And Moose has that blank stare as if he's thinking "Duh....what?"

Sure, Betty, suuuure!  We know you've had a crush on your principal for several years now!

I'm thinking, at this point, a vengeful student with an axe to grind could get Weatherbee into trouble for this!  Cops could be called to haul him away, his mug shot seen on every local newscast, and he'd be forced to resign even if found "not guilty."  

Now we're getting into "Three's Company" territory here as the lunch lady walks in on Weatherbee and Ms. Grundy.  But why is Miss Beasley "ashamed"?  It's none of her frickin' business anyway!  Stick to dishing out tuna surprise and cold tater tots, lady!  Sheesh!

Um, maybe you shouldn't have mentioned that, Mr. Weatherbee!  Never mind the disgruntled student from earlier who could throw you under the bus; Miss Beasley is going to demand all sorts of things in exchange for her silence!  She's got you by the balls, pal; now she's gonna squeeze a little!

Hey, Ms. Grundy, you might want to be careful of insulting your boss, especially in front of the students.  Otherwise you might not be offered a contract for the next school year!

And, Jug, Grundy does have a point; you may have a heightened metabolism now, but it won't last forever!  You're probably looking at yourself 30 years from now!

And don't forget about food poisoning!  That's another way things can get out of hand with food!  Ever hear of Montezuma's Revenge, Jug?  Vomiting and defecating at the same time...fun times, eh?

OK, that concludes another post in Funny Book Funnies!  See you next time!

Excelsior!

Betty Cooper keeping her eye on the prize!

Today I look at a story from Archie's Pals'n'Gals #33 (dated Summer 1965; yes, it really says that on the inside of the front cover).  It features one of Archie's "gals," namely Betty Cooper.  It opens with Betty chatting with an unidentified girl (Classmate?  Neighborhood friend?  Cousin?  Avon calling?).  Betty's guest notices a trophy and inquires about it, and that's where the story begins.  Try to keep up, dear reader!

Yes, Betty, where DID you ever get that trophy?  Because obviously there's no engraving even indicating that it's YOUR trophy!  Her mom could have won a bake-off or her dad's bowling team could have won the all-city championship!  WE JUST DON'T KNOW, BETTY!!! PLEASE CLUE US IN!!!

Um..Betty, dear, no one asked to hear your life's story!  Geez, when AREN'T you dejected and depressed because that gold-digging sumbitch Archie prefers Veronica to you?  You really think winning a trophy will bring him around?  Maybe, if the thing is made out of solid gold and encrusted with diamonds!

But you're going to drag this out over the next four pages, aren't you?

::SIGH::....OK, go on...

A trophy?  That's it???  No cash, no year's supply of Turtle Wax, no brand new car???  Just a hunk of metal!  I think I'm beginning to understand her infatuation with Archie; she decided a long time ago to keep her expectations as low as possible!

BTW, Bets, I'd have to check the rules, but I think ricocheting your ball off another player's head is a penalty stroke, so your hole-in-one is null and void.  Sorry!

Wow, not only is she destructive but a danger to others as well!  I had no idea Betty was such a klutz!  And just a few stories earlier in the same issue of this comic she was an ace third baseman for Riverdale High.  After she quit the baseball team, was there some kind of curse bestowed upon her?

Yes, tell her!  Tell us all!  We're just dying of suspense!

And speaking of dying, I don't think it's wise, considering her losing streak thus far, to allow Betty access to firearms.  I'd hate to see her have to do time for manslaughter, even though she'd still be a young woman by the time she was paroled.

So Betty's reputation for being klutzy is elevated to the point where the group of men who held all these contests (and where is the woman who held the billiards tournament?) ran down to Trophys-R-Us and chipped in for her very own grey goblet.  And she gets to keep it provided she doesn't sign up for any more contests!  Yes, not even pie-eating!  Think of the chaos that would ensue if Betty showed up!

Frankly, Betty, I would be insulted if I were you!  But no, all that matters is that you got a trophy, no matter the hollow meaning behind it!  Think Archie will be impressed?  Think again!

And we still don't know who the brunette is!  Betty never addressed her by name!  Hmmm...oooooh, I get it!  It's all about you, Betty!  And I thought Veronica was self-centered!  I AM surprised at you!

OK, that'll do it for this post!  Stay tuned for the next one featured everyone's favorite strong but morbidly obese cherub, Little Lotta (yeah, there's a contradiction in terms!).

Excelsior!