How To Succeed In Business The Archie And Moose Way!

Ever wanted to run your own business?  Didn't go to business school and you're not sure how to start?  No problem!  You don't have to get a useless business degree; Archie Andrews and his dimwitted pal Moose Mason can get your business off to a running and successful start!

Are they hawking some kind of business kit you can only purchase at 3 in the morning on some lame infomercial?  Nope!  All you have to do is scan the story below and business success could be yours!!!

Seriously, though, it's probably best you don't apply their techniques to a real-life business; this is a comic book story, after all.  And if you think it's because they dropped out of school, no, that didn't happen.  Archie and friends are still in high school after nearly 80 years!  Anyway, Archie and Moose end up running Pop Tate's Chock'lit Shoppe when Pop comes down with a severe cold.  Can they keep the soda shop up and running or will they run it into the ground?  Why not check out "Nothing To Sneeze At" and see?

       

Glassware?  I'd be more concerned with with the germs he's spreading.  The shop is now a giant petri dish ready to attract hungry and thirsty teenagers.

Oh, please!  What competition?  It's Riverdale, not LA!  Did they just open an In'n'Out Burger around the corner?  A Jack-In-The-Box?  Go home already!

Really profound statement there, Pops!  Do you want that carved on your tombstone?  If you don't take Arch's advice, it could happen sooner than you think!

About time you threw in your two cents there, Moose!  Affirmative with a "D'UH!" thrown in for good measure!  Sharp as a tack, that Moose!

Pop would never think that Archie and Moose would skim the till or even rob him blind!  But does Archie have another agenda in mind, being so adamant when trying to get Pop to go home?  Ever see that movie "The Founder"?

Yeah, because you'd have to go home anyway if the health inspector makes a surprise visit!  Not so much because you're ill but because of that severed pig's head you have in your walk-in cooler!

Now that the old man is recovering at home, time for Archie and Moose to remake the Chok'lit Shoppe in their image.  Archie puts a sign in the window; "Help Wanted - Hot Girls Strongly Urged To Apply!"  Just kidding!

Archie better keep a straight face, though; Moose might pop him one if he snickers over Moose referring to himself as a "jerk!"

Not off to a good start, I see; Moose accidentally tosses ice cream on his dad's head!  Well, no, that's probably not his dad, but what's a middle-aged businessman doing at a teen hangout?  Hmmm....

What do you do?  GO OUTSIDE before you bankrupt the place!

That's right, look at his eyes!  Moose is going all David Banner on your asses!  You might not like what's going to happen next!

Good thing Moose is not a Jehovah's Witness!  Or an Amway distributor!  Copies of "Awake" and bottles of G&H hand soap would become staples in many Riverdale households.

Oh, nice going, Moose!  Now Archie is seriously in the weeds!  A little help here, if you don't mind!

Man, that is depressing!  You don't have family?  Friends?  Just your shop?  If you do try to go back to work now, it probably WILL kill you!  Think about it!

It's great that business is booming, but as long as you're there, Pop, the guys could use a hand.

Oh, right, the "spreading the disease" thing...

So Pop is back home in bed, cup of hot tea with honey and lemon in hand while watching what appears to be "Gunsmoke" or "The Virginian" on the tube, secure in the knowledge that he won't end up in financial ruin with Archie and Moose running things.

But, Pop, I wouldn't get your hopes up about having a "lingering illness;" aside from the fact that you don't want to feel like crap for a lengthy period of time, the guys still have to go to school.  Sure they may be on Christmas break at the moment, but that's not going to last forever.  And their parental units aren't going to allow them to skip school just to run your business!

In any event, get well soon, Pops!

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That's gonna do it for this post!  

Merry Christmas, Happy Hanukkah, and Excelsior!!!

Alan,

No air pump required!

I mentioned at the end of the last post that I'd feature Mayda Munny in the next, which is what you're reading right now.  Unfortunately, I was unable to find the issue which the particular story was in.  So until I am able to hunt it down, I'll have to postpone it for a future post.

In the meantime, I am featuring another Mayda Munny tale!  Yet again, Mayda schemes to drive a wedge between Richie and Gloria in the hopes she can catch him on the rebound.  What's she planning now?  And will it work this time?  Well, let's all find out in "What A Doll!"

Our story opens with a stock delivery man bringing Mini-Cher...er, I mean, Mayda a life-size replica of Richie Rich.  What a perfect copy, macrocephalic cabeza and all!

Oooookayyy, this whole setup is weird.  I'm getting the feeling that if Mayda can't have the real Richie, a cotton-filled replica will do?  I don't even want to think what her plans are for her newly-acquired "doll"!!!

Ooooh, now I get it!  She's using the doll as a prop to make Gloria think Richie's dumped her and is now hooking up with Mayda!  For all the money Mayda spent on her toy boy, it better be life-like!

Yeah, Gloria might think Richie's trip was a ruse, seeing as that he didn't even invite her to come along!

Yeah, Mayda, you're a doll, I suppose....kinda like this one pictured below!

Yep!

Hurry, Mayda, before she turns into that alley!

Hey, wait...GLORIA!!!  WHAT ARE YOU THINKING???  Going down a dark alley by yourself???

And Mayda doesn't know any better either!  Never mind passing Gloria; do you really want to take a chance on getting mugged???

Oh, darn, another obstacle!  Mayda just can't catch a break!

Or just use the sidewalk and go around!  That scooter can't be very big!  Sheesh!

Yeah, if a 12-year-old girl is flashing a wad of cash from about 15 feet away, it's kinda hard to take her seriously!  I mean, it might be play money...or Canadian currency.  That kinda looks like something out of a Monopoly box!

And it's understandable that he thinks her "boyfriend" is simple; just look at that stupid grin and vacant stare!

And yet another obstacle, this time in the form of a burly police officer bellowing at her to knock off the horn blowing in a hospital zone!  Not that the patients mind a policeman barking at loud motorists, no sir!

One thing positive I will say about Mayda; at least she respects and obeys authority figures!

Eyes forward and on the road, Mayda!!!  Oops, too late!  She just totaled that guy's greenery!

And, sir, you should be more upset about that destroyed bush; she really didn't do much to your lawn, unless she decides to do a few donuts just to piss you off even more!

So now all those obstacles are behind her, Mayda has one last chance!

But what's this???  Richie's back from his European trip!  But he called Gloria from the airport to meet him in front of a DRUGSTORE???  Why didn't you send a limo to pick her up, Richie, ol' boy?  I'm sure she wouldn't mind greeting you when you got off the plane!  It's bad enough you didn't bring her with you on the trip!  And don't tell me it was a "business" trip; I wouldn't buy it!

And while Richie and Gloria are making goo-goo eyes at each other, Mayda is about to wheel into an awkward moment, but to her relief, she lost the Richie doll at some point.

OK, awkward moment restored!!! A good Samaritan in a really hideous leisure suit (even by 70s standards) graciously returns Mayda's toy boy to her, much to the horror of her would-be boyfriend and her rival.  They're both like "What the hell???"

If I were Mayda, I'd hightail it out of there and cease all contact with Richie and Gloria...at least for a year or two.  They probably think you're some kind of freak, driving around with a Richie replica and all!  How embarrassing!

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That's a wrap for this post!  Next week (yes, NEXT WEEK, believe it or not), we'll drop in on Mega City One in the far-flung future of law enforcement courtesy of Judge Dredd.  When you see the next post, the film "Idiocracy" will probably come to mind.  See you then!

Excelsior!

Alan

It's getting soupy in Riverdale!

Once upon a time, there was a TV show host whose brand of humor was really popular with the kids! Pictured above, his name was Soupy Sales. I suppose he could be best described as a 60s predecessor to Pee-Wee Herman minus the influence of hallucinogens.  Soupy's show was probably more along the lines of his contemporaries like Captain Kangaroo and Shari Lewis.

Sometime during the mid-60s, someone got the idea that Soupy would translate well to the comic book page.  Not so unusual, really; many TV and movie properties of the time were adapted sequentially (yes, even the Beverly Hillbillies!).  Dell and Gold Key were the primary comics publishers to scoop up publishing rights.  So did these comic book giants have their sights set on the man called Soupy?  Maybe, but, believe it or not, John Goldwater and the gang at Archie Comics published a one-shot comic in 1965 based on the adventures of Mr. Sales.

I vaguely remember seeing Soupy on TV when I was a child.  It was probably during the late 70s when his career was fading.  Some of you probably don't know who I'm talking about.  You can search him on Youtube for clips from his shows.  Or if you have nothing else to do, you can scroll through this post if you're curious as to how Archie portrayed this icon of kiddie shows!  Let's do it!

Yes, our pal Soupy is credited with inventing a dance step called "The Mouse."  I'm not sure if it was popular enough to surpass The Twist, The Mashed Potato, or even The Funky Chicken, but I'd be embarrassed to attempt this, even if I was alive back then.  But Archie and his gal pals are eating it up!  Wanna see Soupy in action?  Here you go:

Now doesn't that make you want to move the coffee table out of the way and get your Mouse on?  Yeah, me neither!

First page, we see Soupy (or at least Archie's version) singing and dancing his signature moves but is interrupted by a knock at the door.  Must be a small child or a dwarf, judging the way Soupy is stooping.

Another thing I noticed at the bottom is that the comic is "published bi-monthly." Plans must have been made to have this train wreck continue as a series, but sales figures must have been below par.  Poor marketing probably doomed this comic from the start or perhaps millions of Soupy fans just weren't interested in a comic book version.  Sorry, Soups!

So we don't actually see this real mouse! The powers at Archie likely didn't want letters from Disney's lawyers. 

Oh, ha, ha, ha!  The mouse is so small it could only hit Soupy's shins!  That's hilarious!

Hey, at least Soupy didn't get a beatdown like this (NOTE:  Not Safe For Work!):

Ouch!  Poor Joe!

Knock-knock jokes and pies in the face!  Oh, please, stop!  This is just too much!  I'm just ROTFLMAO!!!

A marble cake?  I think a better punchline would be something like "Grandma's Christmas fruitcake"! Not only are those things hard, they last for years and are hard to digest!

And the hilarity continues with flying boxing gloves to the face!  This would have been funnier if the radio was lowered about two feet!

Apparently the writer has run out of gags featuring Soupy, so he has to resort to featuring a couple of young Soupy fans!  Really reaching here!

So the young lad can't differentiate between the cards and the gum!  Not the sharpest tool in the shed, is he?  Sure, that bubble gum is stiff like the cards, but other than that...

If I were Soupy, I'd file a complaint with the PD's internal affairs department (after he gets checked out for a possible concussion).  I'm pretty sure it's against department policy to use civilians as battering rams!

Is the sign misleading?  Yes!  Is it false advertising?  I don't think so, unless Soupy can produce a larger plate from somewhere else in town, then he might have a case!

Can't you just picture teenagers in the mid-60s standing on street corners bragging about their Soupy fandom?  And I thought Trekkies were bad!

Some fan! Even after Soupy showers the kid with gifts, he's going to trade all those cards for a Mickey Mantle baseball card! On the other hand, it's probably the shrewdest trade he could make!  That Mickey Mantle card is probably worth thousands!

Just a thread from a sweater?  Why not the whole sweater?  The writer would have us believe that Soupy gets mauled by pretty girls as if he were one of the Beatles.

Whoever this girl is (Veronica with a bob haircut?), she obviously doesn't have a problem with destroying theater property to show her devotion to Soupy.

I hope that's a cardboard cutout he's got in that sack!  If not, he's going to learn really fast the penalty for kidnapping!  And girlie, you might want to apologize profusely to Soupy; it might prevent your being charged as an accessory!

Jughead has the right idea! Better to enjoy some brie than engage in this silly fad!

Did Goldwater outsource this story to a writer from the UK?  "Telly"?  Or maybe the Lodges have been faking their American accents for years but let their guard down for a moment.

OK, nevermind.  Mr. Lodge is about to disappoint his daughter and her friends by hogging the TV.  So what is his favorite program?  "Perry Mason"? "Burke's Law"? "Gunsmoke"?  "I Dream Of Jeannie"?  Are YOU in for a surprise?

The gang is relieved that Lodge is a Soupy fan, too!  An Archie fan...not so much!  Nothing new though; Archie has been a thorn in Mr. Lodge's side for decades!

OK, Archie, maybe it's time for you to seek therapy. You're taking your Soupy obsession to an unhealthy level.

And where did Lodge get that pie all of a sudden?  Just wondering...

And we conclude with the back page of the first, last, and only issue of the Soupy Sales comic with Archie dancing the Mouse one last time (as if you didn't get enough from the pages within).  And now Reggie gets his turn to hurl a pie at his red-headed frenemy.  We don't get to see a pie-covered Archie this time but we do see that Pop Tate's has a well-stocked comics rack (stocked with Archie titles, of course!).  Gotta have that product placement to hopefully turn on the Soupy fans to Archie and the gang, right? I'm thinking this book didn't help much.  After all, this comic lasted only ONE issue!

As for Soupy, he continued to be a pop culture influence throughout the 60s and into the 70s to an extent.  Yes, I did rip on him some in this post, but it's obvious he was loved by many.  He and his puppet pals entertained millions for years, so he obviously did something right.  Many of those same fans fondly remember him to this day and were surely heartbroken when he passed away in 2009,  RIP, Soupy!

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So that wraps this post on Funny Book Funnies!  Join us in about a week or two when Mayda Munny launches yet another scheme to lure Richie Rich away from girlfriend Gloria. What's the plan this time?  Would you believe...a makeover?  That's right!  Check out the jaw-dropping post next time!

Excelsior!

Alan

The facts of life are all about youuuuu.....

I'm sure you TV buffs have witnessed the birth or adoption of another child on a long-running family sitcom or drama.  Usually this happens when the youngest of the original clan has experienced a growth spurt and is no longer the cute, funny, adorable moppet you grew up watching.  It's happened with the Bradys, the Huxtables, the Keatons, the Drummonds, and yes, even the Waltons (for one season anyway).  Why? Ratings tend to slip when TV show kids start hitting puberty.  Gotta do something to make the show fresh again.  Sometimes it works, but most of the time....not really.  The Brady Bunch, for instance, was already suffering from bad scripts and sinking ratings by the time season 5 came around.  Unfortunately, the obvious solution was not put into motion early in season 4, that being Carol Brady announcing she's pregnant.  No, the quickie solution was to import a young relative in the form of cousin Oliver halfway into season 5.  Sure, he wasn't the cause of the Bradys getting cancelled, but he sure didn't help!

I am digressing a bit, though.  The point is, Harvey Comics decided to add another character to Richie Rich's world.  Is Richie going to be getting a baby brother or sister?  FORGET IT!  Richie ain't having that!  But the Van Doughs, relations to the Riches, are expecting!  But this being a Harvey comic, there's no way the author of the following story is going to be so blunt and direct regarding the Birds and the Bees.  And we're sure as hell not going to get any graphic visuals!  That's a given!  But join us now as Richie meet for the first time his baby cousin Penny!     

Mater?  Pater?  If I ever called my folks by those monikers, I probably would've gotten smacked!  This is obviously a thing among rich kids.  At least in the world of Harvey Comics.  Anyway, Reggie's parents are oblivious to the presence of their son and nephew, going around mumbling and being deep in thought. 

Even Richie is affected by their lethargic behavior.  Hey, Rich, Regina is your mother; your aunt's name is Vanessa!  And she's obviously too pre-occupied to correct him. 

Yes, what IS going on?  Maybe Mr. Van Dough decide to have a vasectomy.  Or Vanessa is having her tubes tied! One spoiled rotten, mean, bratty kid is enough!  

Say, that's some souped-up ca...hey, WAIT A MINUTE!  What's Richie doing driving?  He can't be more than 11 or 12 years old!  Simple!  He's Richie Rich, bitch!  He can do whatever he damn well pleases!

Aw, that's cute!  Mr. Van Dough gets his consonants backwards!  And since when do doctors take on the role of bellhop?  He better not be expecting a tip! 

Ya know, I have to question the quality of education these rich lads are receiving!

What, was Peewee in the womb for over 5 YEARS???  I know that sex education is a sensitive topic for some, but a five-year gestation term is just plain wrong!

Is Reggie that upset he's not going to be an only child anymore?  Frankly, I'm surprised the Van Doughs decided to have another child!  You'd think they would have learned their lesson unleashing Reggie on the world. 

Is the doctor the only one working this hospital?  Is there a nurses' strike going on?  

Never mind all that!  We're now treated to the first appearance of the next Harvey Comics cash cow (maybe).

Aww, so cute!  Eyes wide open and a full head of hair with just a hint of a blonde dollar sign on her forehead!  

Oh, boy!  We're told to watch for more Richie Rich comics featuring Penny!  I'm looking forward to that about as much as Baby Trixie's adventures in the bland Hi And Lois comic strip, like the example below:

Yep!  Hilarious, right?
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OK, that's going to do it for now.  I'll try to have the next post up before Thanksgiving!

Excelsior!

Alan