No amount of Wisk will solve this problem!

Yes, I know Wisk is no longer on store shelves, but who could forget those classic commercials, like this one:

I'll bet Archie Andrews wishes his mom used this wonder detergent on his collared shirts, "R" sweaters, and even his BVDs.  The use of a thorough laundry detergent might have prevented some trouble he's about to find himself in in the upcoming story for this post.  So let's see what happens in "Red Around The Collar".

Notice something here?  No, not the supposed blood on Archie's ear.  I meant the mentioning of Archie Comics co-founder John Goldwater in the upper-left corner.  Hey, if Stan Lee can do the same at Marvel, why not?

But what is the deal with Archie's ear?  Mosquito bite?  A botched ear piercing?  Oh, what could it be?

Ooooh, it's lipstick!  What a relief!  Either Arch just got back from a date or Mom needs to switch detergent brands.  Then again, it's a bitch trying to remove lipstick from clothing, wine glasses, etc..

Yeah, Archie, you should...wait, WHAT?  Is this Mrs. A encouraging her son to give girls hickeys???   Very liberal-minded of her regarding dating rituals!  No wonder Archie admits doing so with both parental units in the room!

Whoa, wait a minute!  Is she doing a 180 here?  First she encourages such promiscuous behavior, then she scolds her son when he fesses up!  And yes, Mrs. A, Archie encourages girls to kiss him.  But nothing beyond that; this IS an Archie comic, after all.  

Wow, is Archie ever whipped?  He's actually excited Veronica is going to "let him" buy her a soda?  I'd probably reply in a more sarcastic manner with something like "Oh, gee, CAN I???"  But then again, he wouldn't be getting any more kissie-poo from her if he said something like that!

BTW, you'd think Veronica could pick up the check every once in a while seeing that her old man is loaded.  But no, she probably gets her kicks making various lowly Riverdale peasants buy her things.

Is that the same shirt Archie wears in the first panel?  It turned yellow!  But it's probably another shirt!  Wow, Archie's wardrobe must be covered in lipstick smears.  Definitely time to switch to another detergent brand, Mary!

Now I'm not sure if Mary is throwing her son under the bus here or is hinting to Veronica that she should wash the lipstick out of Archie's shirt.  After all, she's the one who smear her shade on his shirt.  Or is she?

So THAT's why Veronica is upset!  Initially, I thought she was mad because Mrs. A dared to suggest that she wash Archie's shirt!  But she has servants to take care of that for her; never mind! 

Hey, maybe Jug has taken to wearing lipstick!  His reputation as a woman hater could mean that he bats for the other team if you know what I mean.  Maybe Arch needs to spend less time with his beanie-wearing pal!

And under the bus Archie goes yet again!  Gee, thanks, Mom!

And Veronica, what makes you think it was Betty?  Surely Riverdale's teenage girl population isn't that limited.  Midge, maybe?  Naw, Archie wouldn't want to get pounded by her insanely jealous boyfriend!  Whoever's lipstick is on her collar, Veronica's so mad about it she's spewing stars and curly Qs from her mouth!

Not Betty, either!  For a minute there, I thought a catfight was going to break out!

And Archie beats out Veronica with the star-spewing so frustrated that he can't convince her he was out with Jughead.

Yeah, gee whiz!  Way to go, Mom, getting your son in Dutch with both of his potential soulmates!

Oh, Mary, how could you???  Your own son???  FOR SHAME!!!

OK, accidents happen, but why would you want to keep it a secret?  Why not just come clean to Archie and, more importantly, his girlfriends?

Or are you afraid that doing so could result in folks jumping to conclusions thinking that there's an incestuous relationship going on within the Andrews family?

Oh, we've got trouble right here in River Cit...er, Riverdale!  Yes, indeed...
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OK, that's it for this post!  See you soon with another one!

Excelsior!

Alan

It's getting soupy in Riverdale!

Once upon a time, there was a TV show host whose brand of humor was really popular with the kids! Pictured above, his name was Soupy Sales. I suppose he could be best described as a 60s predecessor to Pee-Wee Herman minus the influence of hallucinogens.  Soupy's show was probably more along the lines of his contemporaries like Captain Kangaroo and Shari Lewis.

Sometime during the mid-60s, someone got the idea that Soupy would translate well to the comic book page.  Not so unusual, really; many TV and movie properties of the time were adapted sequentially (yes, even the Beverly Hillbillies!).  Dell and Gold Key were the primary comics publishers to scoop up publishing rights.  So did these comic book giants have their sights set on the man called Soupy?  Maybe, but, believe it or not, John Goldwater and the gang at Archie Comics published a one-shot comic in 1965 based on the adventures of Mr. Sales.

I vaguely remember seeing Soupy on TV when I was a child.  It was probably during the late 70s when his career was fading.  Some of you probably don't know who I'm talking about.  You can search him on Youtube for clips from his shows.  Or if you have nothing else to do, you can scroll through this post if you're curious as to how Archie portrayed this icon of kiddie shows!  Let's do it!

Yes, our pal Soupy is credited with inventing a dance step called "The Mouse."  I'm not sure if it was popular enough to surpass The Twist, The Mashed Potato, or even The Funky Chicken, but I'd be embarrassed to attempt this, even if I was alive back then.  But Archie and his gal pals are eating it up!  Wanna see Soupy in action?  Here you go:

Now doesn't that make you want to move the coffee table out of the way and get your Mouse on?  Yeah, me neither!

First page, we see Soupy (or at least Archie's version) singing and dancing his signature moves but is interrupted by a knock at the door.  Must be a small child or a dwarf, judging the way Soupy is stooping.

Another thing I noticed at the bottom is that the comic is "published bi-monthly." Plans must have been made to have this train wreck continue as a series, but sales figures must have been below par.  Poor marketing probably doomed this comic from the start or perhaps millions of Soupy fans just weren't interested in a comic book version.  Sorry, Soups!

So we don't actually see this real mouse! The powers at Archie likely didn't want letters from Disney's lawyers. 

Oh, ha, ha, ha!  The mouse is so small it could only hit Soupy's shins!  That's hilarious!

Hey, at least Soupy didn't get a beatdown like this (NOTE:  Not Safe For Work!):

Ouch!  Poor Joe!

Knock-knock jokes and pies in the face!  Oh, please, stop!  This is just too much!  I'm just ROTFLMAO!!!

A marble cake?  I think a better punchline would be something like "Grandma's Christmas fruitcake"! Not only are those things hard, they last for years and are hard to digest!

And the hilarity continues with flying boxing gloves to the face!  This would have been funnier if the radio was lowered about two feet!

Apparently the writer has run out of gags featuring Soupy, so he has to resort to featuring a couple of young Soupy fans!  Really reaching here!

So the young lad can't differentiate between the cards and the gum!  Not the sharpest tool in the shed, is he?  Sure, that bubble gum is stiff like the cards, but other than that...

If I were Soupy, I'd file a complaint with the PD's internal affairs department (after he gets checked out for a possible concussion).  I'm pretty sure it's against department policy to use civilians as battering rams!

Is the sign misleading?  Yes!  Is it false advertising?  I don't think so, unless Soupy can produce a larger plate from somewhere else in town, then he might have a case!

Can't you just picture teenagers in the mid-60s standing on street corners bragging about their Soupy fandom?  And I thought Trekkies were bad!

Some fan! Even after Soupy showers the kid with gifts, he's going to trade all those cards for a Mickey Mantle baseball card! On the other hand, it's probably the shrewdest trade he could make!  That Mickey Mantle card is probably worth thousands!

Just a thread from a sweater?  Why not the whole sweater?  The writer would have us believe that Soupy gets mauled by pretty girls as if he were one of the Beatles.

Whoever this girl is (Veronica with a bob haircut?), she obviously doesn't have a problem with destroying theater property to show her devotion to Soupy.

I hope that's a cardboard cutout he's got in that sack!  If not, he's going to learn really fast the penalty for kidnapping!  And girlie, you might want to apologize profusely to Soupy; it might prevent your being charged as an accessory!

Jughead has the right idea! Better to enjoy some brie than engage in this silly fad!

Did Goldwater outsource this story to a writer from the UK?  "Telly"?  Or maybe the Lodges have been faking their American accents for years but let their guard down for a moment.

OK, nevermind.  Mr. Lodge is about to disappoint his daughter and her friends by hogging the TV.  So what is his favorite program?  "Perry Mason"? "Burke's Law"? "Gunsmoke"?  "I Dream Of Jeannie"?  Are YOU in for a surprise?

The gang is relieved that Lodge is a Soupy fan, too!  An Archie fan...not so much!  Nothing new though; Archie has been a thorn in Mr. Lodge's side for decades!

OK, Archie, maybe it's time for you to seek therapy. You're taking your Soupy obsession to an unhealthy level.

And where did Lodge get that pie all of a sudden?  Just wondering...

And we conclude with the back page of the first, last, and only issue of the Soupy Sales comic with Archie dancing the Mouse one last time (as if you didn't get enough from the pages within).  And now Reggie gets his turn to hurl a pie at his red-headed frenemy.  We don't get to see a pie-covered Archie this time but we do see that Pop Tate's has a well-stocked comics rack (stocked with Archie titles, of course!).  Gotta have that product placement to hopefully turn on the Soupy fans to Archie and the gang, right? I'm thinking this book didn't help much.  After all, this comic lasted only ONE issue!

As for Soupy, he continued to be a pop culture influence throughout the 60s and into the 70s to an extent.  Yes, I did rip on him some in this post, but it's obvious he was loved by many.  He and his puppet pals entertained millions for years, so he obviously did something right.  Many of those same fans fondly remember him to this day and were surely heartbroken when he passed away in 2009,  RIP, Soupy!

_________________________________________________________________________

So that wraps this post on Funny Book Funnies!  Join us in about a week or two when Mayda Munny launches yet another scheme to lure Richie Rich away from girlfriend Gloria. What's the plan this time?  Would you believe...a makeover?  That's right!  Check out the jaw-dropping post next time!

Excelsior!

Alan

Remember that spaghetti scene from "Lady and the Tramp?"

Who doesn't love pizza?  I know I do!  And we all know Jughead does!  And so do his pals Archie and Reggie (well, the latter is more of a frenemy, actually)!  So much so that they take advantage of Jug's unfortunate accident!  Read what happens next in "Pizza Pirates."

Don't you just hate it when that happens?  You buy a pizza, you rush to get it home, and you trip on a curb while holding the pizza sending it airborne?

Yee-uck!  It landed on Archie's head!  But does that stop Archie and his scheming pal Reggie from making off with Jug's pizza?  No way!  Even with the lack of utensils, Archie and Reggie start munching down on their newly-acquired sphere of yumminess!  Wonder if they'll lock lips after they finish all that pizza!  So which one is Lady and which is the Tramp?

That's some nose you have there, Jug!  You think you'll be able to recover your pizza?  You sure you want to?  It might have landed on a pile of dog poo!

Nope!  He spots Archie and Reggie picking their teeth and rubbing their bellies (their own, that is), putting two and two together!

A starving man's mouth?  C'mon, Jug, stop being such a drama queen!  Sally Struthers won't be raising money for you anytime soon!  For those of you going "who?," here you go:

You're welcome!  Now back to the story!

Pops should know better!  I don't think his business insurance will cover a customer who comes behind the counter to prepare his own food!  And I don't know the health code laws in Riverdale, but I'm sure Jughead would need a foodhandler's card to work in a commercial kitchen  Pops, you're setting yourself up for all kinds of trouble just because you didn't want to say "no" to a customer!

Do Archie and Reggie have nothing else better to do than to spy on Jug through a fence knothole?  And can they finish another large pizza just moments after gobbling down the first one?  Get a life, guys!

Geez, the things we Americans ingest!  Artificial flavoring in soda, rodent hairs in cans of chili, mucilage in pizza sauce...WHEN WILL IT END???  For Archie and Reggie, those guys may never eat pizza or anything else again!  Get ready for it!!!!

Not only will these guys have to be fed intravenously for at least a short while, but now the whole town will be talking about their supposed "relationship." Yeah, I know they're not "that way," but it's still weird that they didn't find time to hunt down a knife and paper plates, at least.  Not much chance, though, of them ending up like this:

OK, that's it for today!  Join us next time when we take a ride on the Love Boat...well, not really!  You'll see what I mean!

Excelsior!

Come and knock on our door...before entering, please!

Ah, the ever-timeless Archie!  He and the gang have been in high school since 1941.  Apparently the Riverdale school district doesn't have a social promotion requirement.  Furthermore, they must all be immortal as well, like Connor MacLeod in Highlander.  They never age and can't seem to graduate from high school.

Seriously, though, ageless characters are nothing new to comics.  Unlike Marvel and DC, however, Archie hasn't jumped on the "reboot" bandwagon.  They just redesign and update the look, dress, and societal attitudes of the characters to reflect the times.  Take, for instance, this selection from Everything's Archie #6 (dated Jan. 1970).  The 60s were coming to a close, Woodstock had just wrapped up a few months earlier, so what's the big deal about the gang playing a supposedly-innocent game of "post office"?  If you've ever read an Archie comic at any point in your life, you know there's going to be some hi-jinks!  So let's dive into "Pucker Power"!

OK, I see a few things wrong with the first page, particularly the first panel!  First, who made Veronica the student council president?  Was there a coup?  Probably not, but I'm sure her daddy's money was involved somehow!  It's not like there are any REAL qualifications to being on the student council; school elections are mostly glorified popularity contests anyway!

Second, what's Big Moose doing there?  In spite of the fact that it's the popular kids on the council, schools usually require a minimum grade point average (I'm thinking a "B" average or better) to be on said council.  Moose may be strong as a...er, moose, but he's not the sharpest tool in the shed!

Third, why is it only Archie's friends on the council?  Looks like some ballot box stuffing going on here!  Was the artist nearing a deadline and didn't have time to come up with other characters?

And fourth, it looks like juniors and seniors on the council.  No one to represent the freshmen and sophomores!  What's the deal here?

Um...Jughead, why didn't you bring this up DURING the meeting?  Granted, you make some valid points, but no one's listening now!  And if you think a 45-minute lunch break is short, try going to school where the students only get a half-hour for lunch!  Yes, that's a real thing these days!

Uh-oh!  BUSTED!!!  Most of the students looked shocked when Weatherbee barges in...except for Jug who's chilling now that he's got that rant out of his system.  And Moose has that blank stare as if he's thinking "Duh....what?"

Sure, Betty, suuuure!  We know you've had a crush on your principal for several years now!

I'm thinking, at this point, a vengeful student with an axe to grind could get Weatherbee into trouble for this!  Cops could be called to haul him away, his mug shot seen on every local newscast, and he'd be forced to resign even if found "not guilty."  

Now we're getting into "Three's Company" territory here as the lunch lady walks in on Weatherbee and Ms. Grundy.  But why is Miss Beasley "ashamed"?  It's none of her frickin' business anyway!  Stick to dishing out tuna surprise and cold tater tots, lady!  Sheesh!

Um, maybe you shouldn't have mentioned that, Mr. Weatherbee!  Never mind the disgruntled student from earlier who could throw you under the bus; Miss Beasley is going to demand all sorts of things in exchange for her silence!  She's got you by the balls, pal; now she's gonna squeeze a little!

Hey, Ms. Grundy, you might want to be careful of insulting your boss, especially in front of the students.  Otherwise you might not be offered a contract for the next school year!

And, Jug, Grundy does have a point; you may have a heightened metabolism now, but it won't last forever!  You're probably looking at yourself 30 years from now!

And don't forget about food poisoning!  That's another way things can get out of hand with food!  Ever hear of Montezuma's Revenge, Jug?  Vomiting and defecating at the same time...fun times, eh?

OK, that concludes another post in Funny Book Funnies!  See you next time!

Excelsior!

Betty Cooper keeping her eye on the prize!

Today I look at a story from Archie's Pals'n'Gals #33 (dated Summer 1965; yes, it really says that on the inside of the front cover).  It features one of Archie's "gals," namely Betty Cooper.  It opens with Betty chatting with an unidentified girl (Classmate?  Neighborhood friend?  Cousin?  Avon calling?).  Betty's guest notices a trophy and inquires about it, and that's where the story begins.  Try to keep up, dear reader!

Yes, Betty, where DID you ever get that trophy?  Because obviously there's no engraving even indicating that it's YOUR trophy!  Her mom could have won a bake-off or her dad's bowling team could have won the all-city championship!  WE JUST DON'T KNOW, BETTY!!! PLEASE CLUE US IN!!!

Um..Betty, dear, no one asked to hear your life's story!  Geez, when AREN'T you dejected and depressed because that gold-digging sumbitch Archie prefers Veronica to you?  You really think winning a trophy will bring him around?  Maybe, if the thing is made out of solid gold and encrusted with diamonds!

But you're going to drag this out over the next four pages, aren't you?

::SIGH::....OK, go on...

A trophy?  That's it???  No cash, no year's supply of Turtle Wax, no brand new car???  Just a hunk of metal!  I think I'm beginning to understand her infatuation with Archie; she decided a long time ago to keep her expectations as low as possible!

BTW, Bets, I'd have to check the rules, but I think ricocheting your ball off another player's head is a penalty stroke, so your hole-in-one is null and void.  Sorry!

Wow, not only is she destructive but a danger to others as well!  I had no idea Betty was such a klutz!  And just a few stories earlier in the same issue of this comic she was an ace third baseman for Riverdale High.  After she quit the baseball team, was there some kind of curse bestowed upon her?

Yes, tell her!  Tell us all!  We're just dying of suspense!

And speaking of dying, I don't think it's wise, considering her losing streak thus far, to allow Betty access to firearms.  I'd hate to see her have to do time for manslaughter, even though she'd still be a young woman by the time she was paroled.

So Betty's reputation for being klutzy is elevated to the point where the group of men who held all these contests (and where is the woman who held the billiards tournament?) ran down to Trophys-R-Us and chipped in for her very own grey goblet.  And she gets to keep it provided she doesn't sign up for any more contests!  Yes, not even pie-eating!  Think of the chaos that would ensue if Betty showed up!

Frankly, Betty, I would be insulted if I were you!  But no, all that matters is that you got a trophy, no matter the hollow meaning behind it!  Think Archie will be impressed?  Think again!

And we still don't know who the brunette is!  Betty never addressed her by name!  Hmmm...oooooh, I get it!  It's all about you, Betty!  And I thought Veronica was self-centered!  I AM surprised at you!

OK, that'll do it for this post!  Stay tuned for the next one featured everyone's favorite strong but morbidly obese cherub, Little Lotta (yeah, there's a contradiction in terms!).

Excelsior!