No amount of Wisk will solve this problem!

Yes, I know Wisk is no longer on store shelves, but who could forget those classic commercials, like this one:

I'll bet Archie Andrews wishes his mom used this wonder detergent on his collared shirts, "R" sweaters, and even his BVDs.  The use of a thorough laundry detergent might have prevented some trouble he's about to find himself in in the upcoming story for this post.  So let's see what happens in "Red Around The Collar".

Notice something here?  No, not the supposed blood on Archie's ear.  I meant the mentioning of Archie Comics co-founder John Goldwater in the upper-left corner.  Hey, if Stan Lee can do the same at Marvel, why not?

But what is the deal with Archie's ear?  Mosquito bite?  A botched ear piercing?  Oh, what could it be?

Ooooh, it's lipstick!  What a relief!  Either Arch just got back from a date or Mom needs to switch detergent brands.  Then again, it's a bitch trying to remove lipstick from clothing, wine glasses, etc..

Yeah, Archie, you should...wait, WHAT?  Is this Mrs. A encouraging her son to give girls hickeys???   Very liberal-minded of her regarding dating rituals!  No wonder Archie admits doing so with both parental units in the room!

Whoa, wait a minute!  Is she doing a 180 here?  First she encourages such promiscuous behavior, then she scolds her son when he fesses up!  And yes, Mrs. A, Archie encourages girls to kiss him.  But nothing beyond that; this IS an Archie comic, after all.  

Wow, is Archie ever whipped?  He's actually excited Veronica is going to "let him" buy her a soda?  I'd probably reply in a more sarcastic manner with something like "Oh, gee, CAN I???"  But then again, he wouldn't be getting any more kissie-poo from her if he said something like that!

BTW, you'd think Veronica could pick up the check every once in a while seeing that her old man is loaded.  But no, she probably gets her kicks making various lowly Riverdale peasants buy her things.

Is that the same shirt Archie wears in the first panel?  It turned yellow!  But it's probably another shirt!  Wow, Archie's wardrobe must be covered in lipstick smears.  Definitely time to switch to another detergent brand, Mary!

Now I'm not sure if Mary is throwing her son under the bus here or is hinting to Veronica that she should wash the lipstick out of Archie's shirt.  After all, she's the one who smear her shade on his shirt.  Or is she?

So THAT's why Veronica is upset!  Initially, I thought she was mad because Mrs. A dared to suggest that she wash Archie's shirt!  But she has servants to take care of that for her; never mind! 

Hey, maybe Jug has taken to wearing lipstick!  His reputation as a woman hater could mean that he bats for the other team if you know what I mean.  Maybe Arch needs to spend less time with his beanie-wearing pal!

And under the bus Archie goes yet again!  Gee, thanks, Mom!

And Veronica, what makes you think it was Betty?  Surely Riverdale's teenage girl population isn't that limited.  Midge, maybe?  Naw, Archie wouldn't want to get pounded by her insanely jealous boyfriend!  Whoever's lipstick is on her collar, Veronica's so mad about it she's spewing stars and curly Qs from her mouth!

Not Betty, either!  For a minute there, I thought a catfight was going to break out!

And Archie beats out Veronica with the star-spewing so frustrated that he can't convince her he was out with Jughead.

Yeah, gee whiz!  Way to go, Mom, getting your son in Dutch with both of his potential soulmates!

Oh, Mary, how could you???  Your own son???  FOR SHAME!!!

OK, accidents happen, but why would you want to keep it a secret?  Why not just come clean to Archie and, more importantly, his girlfriends?

Or are you afraid that doing so could result in folks jumping to conclusions thinking that there's an incestuous relationship going on within the Andrews family?

Oh, we've got trouble right here in River Cit...er, Riverdale!  Yes, indeed...
____________________________________________________________________

OK, that's it for this post!  See you soon with another one!

Excelsior!

Alan

Remember that spaghetti scene from "Lady and the Tramp?"

Who doesn't love pizza?  I know I do!  And we all know Jughead does!  And so do his pals Archie and Reggie (well, the latter is more of a frenemy, actually)!  So much so that they take advantage of Jug's unfortunate accident!  Read what happens next in "Pizza Pirates."

Don't you just hate it when that happens?  You buy a pizza, you rush to get it home, and you trip on a curb while holding the pizza sending it airborne?

Yee-uck!  It landed on Archie's head!  But does that stop Archie and his scheming pal Reggie from making off with Jug's pizza?  No way!  Even with the lack of utensils, Archie and Reggie start munching down on their newly-acquired sphere of yumminess!  Wonder if they'll lock lips after they finish all that pizza!  So which one is Lady and which is the Tramp?

That's some nose you have there, Jug!  You think you'll be able to recover your pizza?  You sure you want to?  It might have landed on a pile of dog poo!

Nope!  He spots Archie and Reggie picking their teeth and rubbing their bellies (their own, that is), putting two and two together!

A starving man's mouth?  C'mon, Jug, stop being such a drama queen!  Sally Struthers won't be raising money for you anytime soon!  For those of you going "who?," here you go:

You're welcome!  Now back to the story!

Pops should know better!  I don't think his business insurance will cover a customer who comes behind the counter to prepare his own food!  And I don't know the health code laws in Riverdale, but I'm sure Jughead would need a foodhandler's card to work in a commercial kitchen  Pops, you're setting yourself up for all kinds of trouble just because you didn't want to say "no" to a customer!

Do Archie and Reggie have nothing else better to do than to spy on Jug through a fence knothole?  And can they finish another large pizza just moments after gobbling down the first one?  Get a life, guys!

Geez, the things we Americans ingest!  Artificial flavoring in soda, rodent hairs in cans of chili, mucilage in pizza sauce...WHEN WILL IT END???  For Archie and Reggie, those guys may never eat pizza or anything else again!  Get ready for it!!!!

Not only will these guys have to be fed intravenously for at least a short while, but now the whole town will be talking about their supposed "relationship." Yeah, I know they're not "that way," but it's still weird that they didn't find time to hunt down a knife and paper plates, at least.  Not much chance, though, of them ending up like this:

OK, that's it for today!  Join us next time when we take a ride on the Love Boat...well, not really!  You'll see what I mean!

Excelsior!

Betty Cooper keeping her eye on the prize!

Today I look at a story from Archie's Pals'n'Gals #33 (dated Summer 1965; yes, it really says that on the inside of the front cover).  It features one of Archie's "gals," namely Betty Cooper.  It opens with Betty chatting with an unidentified girl (Classmate?  Neighborhood friend?  Cousin?  Avon calling?).  Betty's guest notices a trophy and inquires about it, and that's where the story begins.  Try to keep up, dear reader!

Yes, Betty, where DID you ever get that trophy?  Because obviously there's no engraving even indicating that it's YOUR trophy!  Her mom could have won a bake-off or her dad's bowling team could have won the all-city championship!  WE JUST DON'T KNOW, BETTY!!! PLEASE CLUE US IN!!!

Um..Betty, dear, no one asked to hear your life's story!  Geez, when AREN'T you dejected and depressed because that gold-digging sumbitch Archie prefers Veronica to you?  You really think winning a trophy will bring him around?  Maybe, if the thing is made out of solid gold and encrusted with diamonds!

But you're going to drag this out over the next four pages, aren't you?

::SIGH::....OK, go on...

A trophy?  That's it???  No cash, no year's supply of Turtle Wax, no brand new car???  Just a hunk of metal!  I think I'm beginning to understand her infatuation with Archie; she decided a long time ago to keep her expectations as low as possible!

BTW, Bets, I'd have to check the rules, but I think ricocheting your ball off another player's head is a penalty stroke, so your hole-in-one is null and void.  Sorry!

Wow, not only is she destructive but a danger to others as well!  I had no idea Betty was such a klutz!  And just a few stories earlier in the same issue of this comic she was an ace third baseman for Riverdale High.  After she quit the baseball team, was there some kind of curse bestowed upon her?

Yes, tell her!  Tell us all!  We're just dying of suspense!

And speaking of dying, I don't think it's wise, considering her losing streak thus far, to allow Betty access to firearms.  I'd hate to see her have to do time for manslaughter, even though she'd still be a young woman by the time she was paroled.

So Betty's reputation for being klutzy is elevated to the point where the group of men who held all these contests (and where is the woman who held the billiards tournament?) ran down to Trophys-R-Us and chipped in for her very own grey goblet.  And she gets to keep it provided she doesn't sign up for any more contests!  Yes, not even pie-eating!  Think of the chaos that would ensue if Betty showed up!

Frankly, Betty, I would be insulted if I were you!  But no, all that matters is that you got a trophy, no matter the hollow meaning behind it!  Think Archie will be impressed?  Think again!

And we still don't know who the brunette is!  Betty never addressed her by name!  Hmmm...oooooh, I get it!  It's all about you, Betty!  And I thought Veronica was self-centered!  I AM surprised at you!

OK, that'll do it for this post!  Stay tuned for the next one featured everyone's favorite strong but morbidly obese cherub, Little Lotta (yeah, there's a contradiction in terms!).

Excelsior!