Swimming pools, movie stars, no Beverly Hillbillies but there's Hollywood superstars???

Once again, I rummaged through the eclectic selection of back issue comics at my local Half Price Books recently and came across this gem!  Back in the day, I was enthusiastic about the output of comics from Marvel's Epic Comics imprint.  I really enjoyed Dreadstar, Alien Legion, and yes, even Steelgrip Starkey and his All-Purpose Power Tool (yeah, I can hear you snickering; knock it off already!).

Hollywood Superstars is one of those oddities that seems to have escaped my comics radar back in '90.  Not sure why I never picked this up.  Maybe I thought it was a bit pricey at $2.95.  It certainly wasn't because of the creative team of Mark Evanier and Dan Spiegle (the same guys who brought us Crossfire from the now-defunct Eclipse Comics).  But for a dollar, I took a chance on this one.  Definitely not worth the nearly three dollar cover price.  Not sure if it's worth a buck, but I'm not going to get my money back, so here we go:

Lots of stuff going on on this cover.  Looks like the set of Apocalypse Now. 

To be fair, I'm a fan of Crossfire,  a series by the same creative team of Mark Evanier and Dan Spiegle.  It debuted about 5 years before this series and was a spinoff of another Evanier-created series The DNAgents.  It must have been difficult for Mark to write this series as there are no superheroes, mutant, or masked vigilantes to be found anywhere.  Still, I'm sure he was happy to be getting a paycheck from Marvel with a better page rate than Eclipse.  He was already getting better pay through his scripting of Groo The Wanderer, so I'm sure he had few obstacles selling this to Archie Goodwin (the late editor who was then in charge of the Epic Comics line).  But enough digression; let's dive right in!

Yeah, this kid's real cocky!  He could get himself into some trouble here!

Yep, the director doesn't give a damn about his stunt people!  As long as he gets the shot he wants, all others are expendable!  Kinda like John Landis directing the "Time Out" segment of The Twilight Zone Movie!  I'll spare you the grisly details, so google it if you want!

Why the dialogue before the next pic?  You'll see!  And it has nothing to do with whether or not Melody is a Catholic name!  Never heard of a St. Melody, but girls who run off to Hollywood seeking fame and fortune are a dime a dozen.  And when will Patricia/Melody's mother and her friends get to see her big debut?  Just read on!

And that "very important part" looks to be an Ex-Lax commercial.  Nothing to be ashamed of, Melody.  Lots of Hollywood stars got their start in commercials.  It could be worse; you might have had to audition for a Depends commercial.  

I think Lisa Rinna was heavily persuaded to do this commercial ($$$).  For $2 million, I'd do a tampon commercial (but not a penny less!!!).

Hey, most everyone doesn't smile when constipated.  C'mon, Melody; you gotta look like you're actually constipated.  It's called acting!

 That director never said you actually got the part; just that you were "absolutely perfect." Perfect for what?  Who knows?  But I don't think he was to be taken literally when he told Melody not to budge until he called her.  Three weeks without food, sleep, or potty breaks?  How did she do it?  Technically she ought to be dead.

Melody didn't even notice the landlady in her apartment she was so dazed from lack of food and sleep.  Bad news, Mel; your "luxury" apartment is being turned into a condo and you have only mere hours to pack your stuff and leave.   Not even time to call a moving truck!  Only 3 hours?  Is that even legal?

And as she lugs whatever belongings she can carry, she starts to regret moving out to Tinseltown.  We get a flashback scene of her (minus the perm and the breast implants) and her boyfriend from back home.  Ron tries talking her out of her Hollywood dreams but she's determined to follow said dreams.  Say, why are they in a rowboat?  Isn't this how Fredo Corleone met his end?

So reality sinks in and Melody has to get a job waiting tables at a comedy club.  She knows how to handle customers who hit on her, doesn't she?  Novocaine?  Yeah, that could do the trick.  She should've angled for a $1000 tip, seeing as she still has no place to crash and has to resort to hassling co-workers to help her out.

Either she really finds Leo's jokes funny or she's delirious from all the stress she's been under.  In any event, Leo notices the hot blonde laughing hysterically and is instantly smitten with her.  Immediately he hassles the club manager for the name of his future wife.  Marital bliss for a few moments anyway as he believes Melody will run off with a Hispanic tennis pro at some point?   Where did THAT come from?

Leo, you're lucky you didn't get maced, sneaking up on Melody like that!  Good thing she recognized you and you started making with the jokes. Good thing she's easily amused or you'd be grabbing your testicles in pain right now.

Aww, he takes pity on her and offers to put her up.  He even offers her his bed while he takes the couch.  No strings attached.  Many guys wouldn't be so generous.  Ever hear of "gas, grass, or ass?" Hey, nobody stays for free!

Leo is thinking "Oh, thanks a lot, Naylor!  I'm about to score with this beautiful blonde and you come on to the scene and screw it up!"

Did you really think people just walk away from a movie?  This ain't no Road Runner cartoon!  Just because that coyote bounces back doesn't mean real-live flesh-and-blood humans will!

So there's a documentary crew on location doing a doc on McCormick?  Who's the doc director, Michael Moore?  Either way, this doc is going to make McCormick look bad no matter if he calls off the shot or not.  That's how the "regular guy" from Flint, MI rolls!  McCormick should have just played it safe.  Nice job capturing the genuine fear in those Asian extras' eyes, though!

WHAT???  Is Jerry really objecting to hiring Melody?  You gotta be kidding!!!  Leo's not stupid; he knows it'll be great to have something nice to look at while at the office!

And you know Melody is going to jump at the chance!  Better to be ogled in an office than getting the ass slapped while carrying a tray of Old Fashioneds!

Wow, Leo is not shy about revealing his true intentions!  Wants to take her to a Ramada Inn soooooo bad!  And what if his wish did come true?  Careful what you wish for, Leo; you just might feast your eyes on a "Crying Game" moment.  Don't know what I'm talking about?  Google it; not going to include it here! 

Hey, way to go, Jer; burst your friend's balloon by offering to put Melody up at your ex-wife's place!  Get yourself a new friend, Leo!

And as the guys speed away in search of a pay phone (yes, cell phones were in their infancy at this time, expensive, and frickin' HUUUGE!), we get some fan service with Melody in her nightie and Trilby's silhouette on the shower curtain!

AAANNNNND....here we go!  More fan service, but not so much as to incur the wrath of the Comics Code.  Oh, wait; Epic Comics were not sold at newsstands and 7-Elevens, so they didn't have to abide by the CCA.  The only thing a comic shop owner had to worry about was some irate parents pissed because this comic was sold to their kids.

Meanwhile, Leo's thoughts are drifting back to Melody!  Focus, Leo, FOCUS!!!  There's work to be done!

OK, donuts!  Melody can handle that, provided she goes to an actual donut shop where they're nice and fresh instead of 7-Eleven and the snack aisle where the pre-packaged powdered donuts are.  Can't stand those!!!

And look at Leo making like he's the HR department, pointing out the obvious lack of skills necessary for Melody to perform her job at peak efficiency.  You're not fooling anyone, Leo!  We know why you hired her, and it sure as hell wasn't because of her filing skills or knowledge of Wordstar (apparently was a word processor popular in the 80s).  You can't wait to get into her denim overall shorts, which she wears thanks to that part in the job description referring to the office dress code; that is, ANYTHING SHE WANTS!

At least she's got the fetching donuts skill down pat!  Leo's right; you can never have too many donuts, especially the ones filled with bavarian creme!  Yum!

Say, is that a picture of Dr. Zaius from Planet Of The Apes on the wall?  That's......weird....

And with the guys out of the office, Melody gets cracking, enjoying a donut while watching "Geraldo."  The show for that day?  Lesbian softball players!  Hey, aren't they all???  Just kidding, just kidding!!!  Don't post angry comments or send emails, please.

Yes, the days before the internet and Google when people actually had to go to the library to look up stuff!  Not sure if Melody can handle it; she's still on that donut thing!

Oh, you guys still haven't found a way to work Melody into the payroll?  She's not gonna like the surprise she'll get come payday!

So Melody meets the guys at the library.  Looks like she ditched the overall shorts for something more professional.  The ensemble even includes shoulder pads!  Don't you just love late 80s women's fashions?

And what's with Melody asking "What does this mean?" Mark just has to have her stuck in "dumb blonde" mode, doesn't he?

That's right; how DARE someone give McCormick orders!!!  He's a big, important Hollywood director like Alan Smithee!!!  He tells everyone else what to do; all 7.4 billion of us!  Like you there, Leo!  Hand over that tape!  NOW!!!

Dammit, when McCormick says give 'em the tape, you don't ask "which one?"  He's gotta find a TV and VCR toute suite!

Melody, exactly how many directors have you worked with?  So naive!  Just weeks ago, you had one tell you to sit by the phone without budging, which you did...FOR THREE WEEKS!!!  And no call back!  Now THAT'S mean!

YES!!!  Jerry overcomes his fear of this overrated blowhard of a director and is going to open up a can of whoopass on him!  Yes, way to go, Jer!

So the whole thing was a bluff!  The tape had some lame B-grade horror movie on it, probably some schlock directed by Herschell Gordon Lewis.  As for the video store you rented that from, the manager is probably going to be more upset that you didn't rewind!!!  C'mon, Leo; be kind, rewind!

Wow, was that sarcasm there, Leo?  I think Melody can handle bagels!  Just don't ask her to go for lox and cream cheese; you might confuse her!

Yes,give her a chance, Leo!  Let her do something more than just be eye candy for you...unless, of course, she gets a part in something, then she'll drop you like a bad habit!

Yeah, OK, Leo, McCormick in all the papers...blah, blah, blah...blackmail....blah, blah,blah...will be indicted...blah, blah, blah...NOW, about US....

Melody's either not paying attention or is trying to change the subject by asking "Where's Jerry?"  Like she's either thinking "no, no, I don't want a personal relationship with you, Leo" or "I could really go for a sensitive guy like Jerry...sigh..."

You can really help with her career, Jerry?  Which one?  As an office gofer or an actress?  I'm thinking neither as you're just fishing for an excuse to drag her to dinner and then expecting something from her in gratitude afterwards.  Wonder if you'll succeed by the next issue.  I might get to see it happen...IF I decide to hunt down back issues.  Yes, this went on for 4 more issues.    Don't hold your breath, though!

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OK, that's it for this entry!  I'll have another one posted next week!  Promise!

The Crazy World of Harry Hazard

 So one day, I had some time to kill and thought I would stop by my local Half Price Books.  This location has a small section of back issue comic books although you won't find much in the way of key issues, and if you do find a key book, be prepared to shell out a lot for it.  Like 300 bucks for Incredible Hulk #271, featuring the first appearance of Rocket Raccoon.  SERIOUSLY???  Whoever researched the value there needs to stop referring to eBay!

I've digressed enough, though.  I found this little gem within their boxes.  Only a dollar, BTW.  Probably paid too much. though.  Can't believe this garbage actually retailed for almost 4 bucks!  Is it any wonder why I rarely buy new comics anymore?

Anyway, for your pleasure, amusement, or disgust (take your pick!), here's Image's Elephantmen #46 from 2013.

I thought such grandiose demands from comic book villains were a thing of the past.  Statements like "BOW BEFORE THE MIGHT OF [insert name of cheesy egomaniacal villain here]" were corny then and even moreso now.  Perhaps writer Richard Starkings was feeling nostalgic?  And speaking of Richard, isn't he primarily known as a comic book letterer?  I suppose the staff he employs at his Comicraft studio can handle all the lettering and design assignments they are hired for, so he has some free time to pursue other interests.  Maybe find a hobby there, Rich; leave the writing to those with something of a resume in the craft.

And one of the first visages we're treated to is a scantily-clad large-breasted woman vomiting!  What's the matter, sweetie?  Those 'shrooms not agree with you?

Say, Hip, her vomit does kinda look like salad; a 'shroom salad!

Enter Harry Hazard, who comes across as the love child of Dr. Manhattan and Andy Warhol.  And what's with those shades?  I think you could order those from a comic book ad years ago!  Like these, maybe?

OK, close enough!  Speaking of seeing "bones thru skin," we don't need no stinkin' x-ray specs to see through Mr. Hazard's skin!  Yikes!

And what "men in the moon" is Mr. Hazard speaking of?  

Anthropomorphic hippos and walking x-rays.  Starkings is trying to go for something Kafka-esque in his storytelling, I would suspect.

So not a few pages in, we cut to a flashback of Hazard aka Spore's origin story.  Hey, all good supervillain origin stories take place at the Santa Monica beach.  Didn't you know that?

Oh, no!  The old folks are shocked upon gazing at the nearly-bare-assed shot of Harry's girlfriend.  Mrs. Slocombe looks horrified (or jealous, maybe) while Indiana Jones may start drooling at any moment!

And y'know, Harry, if you just gonna stare at Trudy all day...  

...she's just gonna bury you up to your neck in SAND and put on a show for you!  But she's probably putting on a show for the whole beach, too; it's not like there's a curtain or tent around.

And that bucket on his head?  Keeps him from looking at other beach bunnies while she goes for ice cream!

So what do you suppose attracted Harry to Trudy?  Her ta-tas?  Backside?  Or maybe that combo pigtails-and-brushcut hairdo?  Honey, I'd sue whoever did that to your hair!  Seriously!

Suddenly, a meteor strikes the beach, vaporizing everyone!  What's that sand bucket made out of, anyway?  Didn't even melt!  It was the only thing protecting Harry's noggin, until...

...CHOPPERS SHOW UP!  Geez, what did Harry do to piss off the military???  This story is not making much sense so far!

Hmmm....where have I seen this before?  This looks so familiar!  Oh, yeah!  Here you go!

Well, so much for originality!  You suppose Harry is going to "hulk" out?  Read on...

OK, so he's not huge and green!  Still the same size and now a pale shade of blue, not unlike a Marvel Universe Atlantean.  Any powers?  Well, you can see his skeletal system when held up to the light!  Oh, and he can grow mushrooms out of his hand!  OK, that's....weird!

Obviously, his powers do not include paying the rent on time, as his landlord lays into him reciting much of Alex Lifeson's speech at the Rock 'n' Roll Hall of Fame induction ceremony.  Those must be some dark shades he's wearing; doesn't even notice Harry's new and unusual skin tone!

All you renters out there; don't you fantasize about doing something like that to YOUR landlord?  That's some bad power, Harry!  Turning your landlord into a mushroom explosion!

Half-naked neighbor Vanessa is about to get turned into a mushroom pile, too, until Harry realizes she's high as a kite...and anxious to eat mushrooms off his fingertips.  Harry is only too happy to oblige her1  Well, why not?  Trudy is now a vaporized shadow etched into the sands of Santa Monica beach!

Yes, the talking hippo wants to know....WHO ARE THE MEN IN THE MOON????

Mappo?  What's Mappo?  Did I miss something here, perhaps in previous issues?  Not that I'm going to waste any more money on this drek!  How did the guys in charge at Image even green-light this disaster, much less continue to publish to 46 issues and beyond?

And to get the reader to anxiously anticipate the next issue, the artist creeps us out with mushrooms bulging out of Harry's eye sockets!  Thanks, Richard and company!  Can't wait!

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Good to be back, ladies and gentlemen!  Join us again in less than a week when Jackie Jokers really gets into character as The Funz (yes, it's Harvey Comics' thinly-veiled version of The Fonz).  I think Henry Winkler's job security was beyond safe, trust me!

Till next time,

Excelsior!