Seriously, though, ageless characters are nothing new to comics. Unlike Marvel and DC, however, Archie hasn't jumped on the "reboot" bandwagon. They just redesign and update the look, dress, and societal attitudes of the characters to reflect the times. Take, for instance, this selection from Everything's Archie #6 (dated Jan. 1970). The 60s were coming to a close, Woodstock had just wrapped up a few months earlier, so what's the big deal about the gang playing a supposedly-innocent game of "post office"? If you've ever read an Archie comic at any point in your life, you know there's going to be some hi-jinks! So let's dive into "Pucker Power"!
OK, I see a few things wrong with the first page, particularly the first panel! First, who made Veronica the student council president? Was there a coup? Probably not, but I'm sure her daddy's money was involved somehow! It's not like there are any REAL qualifications to being on the student council; school elections are mostly glorified popularity contests anyway!
Second, what's Big Moose doing there? In spite of the fact that it's the popular kids on the council, schools usually require a minimum grade point average (I'm thinking a "B" average or better) to be on said council. Moose may be strong as a...er, moose, but he's not the sharpest tool in the shed!
Third, why is it only Archie's friends on the council? Looks like some ballot box stuffing going on here! Was the artist nearing a deadline and didn't have time to come up with other characters?
And fourth, it looks like juniors and seniors on the council. No one to represent the freshmen and sophomores! What's the deal here?
Um...Jughead, why didn't you bring this up DURING the meeting? Granted, you make some valid points, but no one's listening now! And if you think a 45-minute lunch break is short, try going to school where the students only get a half-hour for lunch! Yes, that's a real thing these days!
Uh-oh! BUSTED!!! Most of the students looked shocked when Weatherbee barges in...except for Jug who's chilling now that he's got that rant out of his system. And Moose has that blank stare as if he's thinking "Duh....what?"
Sure, Betty, suuuure! We know you've had a crush on your principal for several years now!
I'm thinking, at this point, a vengeful student with an axe to grind could get Weatherbee into trouble for this! Cops could be called to haul him away, his mug shot seen on every local newscast, and he'd be forced to resign even if found "not guilty."
Now we're getting into "Three's Company" territory here as the lunch lady walks in on Weatherbee and Ms. Grundy. But why is Miss Beasley "ashamed"? It's none of her frickin' business anyway! Stick to dishing out tuna surprise and cold tater tots, lady! Sheesh!
Um, maybe you shouldn't have mentioned that, Mr. Weatherbee! Never mind the disgruntled student from earlier who could throw you under the bus; Miss Beasley is going to demand all sorts of things in exchange for her silence! She's got you by the balls, pal; now she's gonna squeeze a little!
Hey, Ms. Grundy, you might want to be careful of insulting your boss, especially in front of the students. Otherwise you might not be offered a contract for the next school year!
And, Jug, Grundy does have a point; you may have a heightened metabolism now, but it won't last forever! You're probably looking at yourself 30 years from now!
And don't forget about food poisoning! That's another way things can get out of hand with food! Ever hear of Montezuma's Revenge, Jug? Vomiting and defecating at the same time...fun times, eh?
OK, that concludes another post in Funny Book Funnies! See you next time!
Excelsior!
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