Happy Times Are Here Agaaaaaaain!

OK, so that's not how the song goes exactly!  But "Happy Times" apparently is the favorite TV program of one Richard Rich, Sr., billionaire industrialist and father of everyone's favorite macrocephalic wealthy lad, Richie Rich.

So Richie and his pal Jackie Jokers (a kid comedian who spouts jokes that make a Catskill comedian look like Robin Williams) are planning a party for their friends but can't come up with an idea at first.

This is where the show "Happy Times" comes in.  Never heard of it?  No, it's not a Britcom seen occasionally on your local PBS station.  It doesn't exist!  It's Harvey Comics' thinly-veiled version of "Happy Days", a ratings hit for ABC at the time this story was published (cover dated Sept. 1976).  Yep, a sitcom set in the 1950s was one of the biggest hits of the 70s.  Not sure if I should blame "American Graffiti" or the disco craze for the show's success (believe me, many more Americans would have rather hung out at Arnold's than Studio 54).

So iron those poodle skirts, girls!  Guys, slather your jackets with leather oil!  And get ready for (Really?  Do I have to say it?)..."Happy Times"...smh...

Heh...that one was kinda funny, Jackie!  "..in case you feel your house is too small!"  You just might have a future in comedy!

Oh, never mind!  "Sir Lance-A-Little?"  REALLY???  Now I see Century 21 in your future!

I understand knights in the 12th century were of small stature, but THAT small?  And what's with the cone on the front of the helmet?  That. Just. Looks....weird....

Wow, Mr. Rich is easily amused, isn't he? Even the real "Happy Days" wasn't all that funny.  Can somebody change the channel to "Barney Miller", please?

And then we're treated(?) to several scenes of "Funzie" interrogating several guys, trying to identify the perp who dared to touch his precious bike. The artist seems to have captured a decent caricature of Fonzie, but Richie, Potsie, and Malph look like stock Harvey characters.  Either this was drawn on a Friday afternoon or the Harvey family didn't want to push the envelope so far as to get a "cease and desist" letter from Paramount's lawyers.

However, the boob tube sets off a light bulb in Richie's head!  What could it be?

Oh, OK!  Richie decides on a 50s-themed party.  Kids who weren't even born then can totally relate, what with all they've been exposed to watching "Happy Times."  Ah, well, at least the theme won't be based on "All In The Family" or "Maude."  Can you imagine all that screaming and fighting?

And Jackie called dibs on dressing up as "The Funz."  Yeah, whenever I see Fonzie on a "Happy Days" rerun, I always think "Jackie Jokers!"  Now picture me rolling my eyes!

Wow, that's some messed up science there!  This "professor" created some kind of hypno-spray designed to make out-of-work actors think they're really the characters they're portraying.  Be careful there, Prof; you accidentally spray yourself and you'll think you're Woody Allen (neuroses and all)!  Spray your henchman there and he'll think he's Vic Tayback!  STOW IT, FINKY! 

So that's what they're planning with their spray can!  While the Rich family is dazed and confused, they'll be raiding their vaults to the tune of "5 or 6 billion dollars."  Um, probably gonna need more manpower for that kind of haul!  And why do the Riches keep so much cash on the premises?  It's practically an invitation for thieves!  Has Mr. Rich not heard of Switzerland?

Cadbury announces the first of Richie's friends, Kool Katz, neglecting to also announce Kool's overbearing helicopter parent.  Mama immediately corrects him!  What did she ever do to you, Jeeves ol' boy?

Hmm...something is different about Richie and Gloria, but I just can't quite put my finger on it....hmmm......

And while the Elvis impersonator is busy unintentionally insulting Richie's dog, Reggie as Captain Bligh and Mayda as Cher enter the scene...

And here comes Jackie, as promised, as "The Funz."  Hey, were you given permission to ride that bike inside the mansion?  Tire marks, oil stains, both noise AND air pollution, not to mention putting all the other guests in danger of carbon monoxide poisoning?  You were enough of a nuisance with your bad jokes; now this!

And how are Little Dot and Lotta's boyfriend Gerald (hey, slap a cap and some specs onto Richie Rich and you have a whole new character!) able to get away with failing to cosplay as 50s characters?  Wellll...technically Dot IS a 50s character, having made her debut in 1953.  Gerald, on the other hand, didn't make his first appearance until the early 60s.  A head scratcher, to be sure...

Did the estate police have the night off or something?  These guys managed to slip into the mansion basement unnoticed!  Someone's getting fired over this!

Wow, so much going on here in this one panel!  I'm going to have to break this down!  Scroll down a bit, will ya?

As Kool the Elvis impersonator badly warbles one of the King's hits while looking like something out of a Charlie Brown cartoon, Mrs. K questions Reggie's choice of costume. Reggie needs to brush up on his history as Napoleon Bonaparte had long since departed before the 1850s.  However, there may have very well been people believing themselves to be Napoleon confined to asylums across the world in the 1950s, so Reggie could have received inspiration from America's funny farms!

Mr. Rich could have gotten a haircut to  resemble Eisenhower more, but people might have confused him for  1970s TV character Kojak.

And Freckles and Peewee, the 1955 Brooklyn Dodgers?  Really?  Takes 9 players to make a baseball team!  Could have gone as Wally and Beaver Cleaver!  Perhaps the writer of this story is still butthurt that the Dodgers moved to LA.  Let it go, guy!

So Mayda arrived as her version of Liz Taylor?  Looks more like Cher to me!

And all Richie and Gloria had to do to transform themselves into Desi and Lucy was get a dye job and remove a hair ribbon?  Seriously?  Hey, Rich, you don't have to cosplay on a budget; I'm sure you can hire people to work on you and your girlfriend to be more convincing as America's sweethearts of the '50s.  At least strap on a conga drum!  Sheesh! 

Yeah, nice bike there, "Funzie!"  I've seen Vespas that were manlier!

And again, we see a half-assed attempt at cosplay; in fact, NO effort was made to make Dollar look more like a collie!  Not even a mane!

What?  Somebody farted?  Don't tell me we have a party "pooper" in the house (pun intended!)?

OK, so the hypno-gas is doing its magic!  Richie now speaks with a bad Cuban accent, Mayda brags about wrapping up production on a movie released at least 20 years prior to this party, and Peewee believes he's Brooklyn Dodgers standout Gil Hodges.  Hey, Freckles, Gil don't need no coaching from you!  Shut it!!!

"Rocking and rolling star?"  Hey, Mama Katz; do us all a favor and stick to watching Lawrence Welk!

And Kool/Pelvis, your suede shoes are white, not green or even blue!  Furthermore, I don't believe Elvis ever had a red Jewfro; just saying...

I can get behind Mr Rich/Eisenhower's mentality; all citizens should engage in the pursuit of happiness!

And Richie/Dizzy, drop the bad accent already!  It's just annoying now!

Despite each other's lack of knowledge or French and English respectively, Reggie/Napoleon and Mr.Rich/Pres. Eisenhower manage to diss each other just fine!  Wait, what?  This exchange reminds me of this classic Looney Tunes bit:

Got it?  Good!  Let's move on!

Yep, totally oblivious to a couple of guys in gas masks trying to crack a safe!  Nothing to see here, folks!

Hey, way to think on your feet there, Prof!  Who ARE those masked men?

Yes, make way, people!  These guys have unmasked themselves, yet no one suspects a thing as the crooked pair waltzed out of there with bags of money in hands!  Wonder if there's security in front AWAY from the air vents!

Mayda/Liz still making with the "mirror mirror" bit.  Is she still in character or is she her usual self?  Who can tell?

Hey, Prez and Napoleon, why are you still talking to one another...IN ENGLISH???  I don't think Scotty beamed down a universal translator to either one of you!  These scenes with you two make no sense!

And Peewee/Gil Hodges hits a line drive, knocking out the crooks in the process!  

Say, Lotta was a guest at the party AS HERSELF!  Why isn't she kicking those guys' asses???

Uh-oh, did somebody spike the punch?  No, the effects of the gas are finally wearing off!

Wow, do you see that look Kool is giving his mama?  Clearly he's weary of her overbearing nature!

Really bad pun there, Jackie!  Now do you understand why your parents set up a college fund?

And as Richie bids his guests a fond farewell, he makes sure they don't forget the theme of the party!  Like a banner inside staring them in their collective faces wasn't enough!

So what's the theme for next year?  A 60s party?  Love beads, peace signs, fringe skirts, and Nehru jackets all around!  See you next summer, kids!  Peace!

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So that's it for now!  Sorry this one took so long!  Such a lengthy story and I didn't want to rush through it!  But it's in the can, so I hope you enjoyed it!  I might feature a Jackie Jokers TV or Movie special next time, so watch for it!  I'll try not to be so long in getting it out!

Till next time,

Excelsior!

The Crazy World of Harry Hazard

 So one day, I had some time to kill and thought I would stop by my local Half Price Books.  This location has a small section of back issue comic books although you won't find much in the way of key issues, and if you do find a key book, be prepared to shell out a lot for it.  Like 300 bucks for Incredible Hulk #271, featuring the first appearance of Rocket Raccoon.  SERIOUSLY???  Whoever researched the value there needs to stop referring to eBay!

I've digressed enough, though.  I found this little gem within their boxes.  Only a dollar, BTW.  Probably paid too much. though.  Can't believe this garbage actually retailed for almost 4 bucks!  Is it any wonder why I rarely buy new comics anymore?

Anyway, for your pleasure, amusement, or disgust (take your pick!), here's Image's Elephantmen #46 from 2013.

I thought such grandiose demands from comic book villains were a thing of the past.  Statements like "BOW BEFORE THE MIGHT OF [insert name of cheesy egomaniacal villain here]" were corny then and even moreso now.  Perhaps writer Richard Starkings was feeling nostalgic?  And speaking of Richard, isn't he primarily known as a comic book letterer?  I suppose the staff he employs at his Comicraft studio can handle all the lettering and design assignments they are hired for, so he has some free time to pursue other interests.  Maybe find a hobby there, Rich; leave the writing to those with something of a resume in the craft.

And one of the first visages we're treated to is a scantily-clad large-breasted woman vomiting!  What's the matter, sweetie?  Those 'shrooms not agree with you?

Say, Hip, her vomit does kinda look like salad; a 'shroom salad!

Enter Harry Hazard, who comes across as the love child of Dr. Manhattan and Andy Warhol.  And what's with those shades?  I think you could order those from a comic book ad years ago!  Like these, maybe?

OK, close enough!  Speaking of seeing "bones thru skin," we don't need no stinkin' x-ray specs to see through Mr. Hazard's skin!  Yikes!

And what "men in the moon" is Mr. Hazard speaking of?  

Anthropomorphic hippos and walking x-rays.  Starkings is trying to go for something Kafka-esque in his storytelling, I would suspect.

So not a few pages in, we cut to a flashback of Hazard aka Spore's origin story.  Hey, all good supervillain origin stories take place at the Santa Monica beach.  Didn't you know that?

Oh, no!  The old folks are shocked upon gazing at the nearly-bare-assed shot of Harry's girlfriend.  Mrs. Slocombe looks horrified (or jealous, maybe) while Indiana Jones may start drooling at any moment!

And y'know, Harry, if you just gonna stare at Trudy all day...  

...she's just gonna bury you up to your neck in SAND and put on a show for you!  But she's probably putting on a show for the whole beach, too; it's not like there's a curtain or tent around.

And that bucket on his head?  Keeps him from looking at other beach bunnies while she goes for ice cream!

So what do you suppose attracted Harry to Trudy?  Her ta-tas?  Backside?  Or maybe that combo pigtails-and-brushcut hairdo?  Honey, I'd sue whoever did that to your hair!  Seriously!

Suddenly, a meteor strikes the beach, vaporizing everyone!  What's that sand bucket made out of, anyway?  Didn't even melt!  It was the only thing protecting Harry's noggin, until...

...CHOPPERS SHOW UP!  Geez, what did Harry do to piss off the military???  This story is not making much sense so far!

Hmmm....where have I seen this before?  This looks so familiar!  Oh, yeah!  Here you go!

Well, so much for originality!  You suppose Harry is going to "hulk" out?  Read on...

OK, so he's not huge and green!  Still the same size and now a pale shade of blue, not unlike a Marvel Universe Atlantean.  Any powers?  Well, you can see his skeletal system when held up to the light!  Oh, and he can grow mushrooms out of his hand!  OK, that's....weird!

Obviously, his powers do not include paying the rent on time, as his landlord lays into him reciting much of Alex Lifeson's speech at the Rock 'n' Roll Hall of Fame induction ceremony.  Those must be some dark shades he's wearing; doesn't even notice Harry's new and unusual skin tone!

All you renters out there; don't you fantasize about doing something like that to YOUR landlord?  That's some bad power, Harry!  Turning your landlord into a mushroom explosion!

Half-naked neighbor Vanessa is about to get turned into a mushroom pile, too, until Harry realizes she's high as a kite...and anxious to eat mushrooms off his fingertips.  Harry is only too happy to oblige her1  Well, why not?  Trudy is now a vaporized shadow etched into the sands of Santa Monica beach!

Yes, the talking hippo wants to know....WHO ARE THE MEN IN THE MOON????

Mappo?  What's Mappo?  Did I miss something here, perhaps in previous issues?  Not that I'm going to waste any more money on this drek!  How did the guys in charge at Image even green-light this disaster, much less continue to publish to 46 issues and beyond?

And to get the reader to anxiously anticipate the next issue, the artist creeps us out with mushrooms bulging out of Harry's eye sockets!  Thanks, Richard and company!  Can't wait!

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Good to be back, ladies and gentlemen!  Join us again in less than a week when Jackie Jokers really gets into character as The Funz (yes, it's Harvey Comics' thinly-veiled version of The Fonz).  I think Henry Winkler's job security was beyond safe, trust me!

Till next time,

Excelsior!