Tuesday, August 1, 2017

No amount of Wisk will solve this problem!

Yes, I know Wisk is no longer on store shelves, but who could forget those classic commercials, like this one:


I'll bet Archie Andrews wishes his mom used this wonder detergent on his collared shirts, "R" sweaters, and even his BVDs.  The use of a thorough laundry detergent might have prevented some trouble he's about to find himself in in the upcoming story for this post.  So let's see what happens in "Red Around The Collar".


Notice something here?  No, not the supposed blood on Archie's ear.  I meant the mentioning of Archie Comics co-founder John Goldwater in the upper-left corner.  Hey, if Stan Lee can do the same at Marvel, why not?

But what is the deal with Archie's ear?  Mosquito bite?  A botched ear piercing?  Oh, what could it be?


Ooooh, it's lipstick!  What a relief!  Either Arch just got back from a date or Mom needs to switch detergent brands.  Then again, it's a bitch trying to remove lipstick from clothing, wine glasses, etc..


Yeah, Archie, you should...wait, WHAT?  Is this Mrs. A encouraging her son to give girls hickeys???   Very liberal-minded of her regarding dating rituals!  No wonder Archie admits doing so with both parental units in the room!


Whoa, wait a minute!  Is she doing a 180 here?  First she encourages such promiscuous behavior, then she scolds her son when he fesses up!  And yes, Mrs. A, Archie encourages girls to kiss him.  But nothing beyond that; this IS an Archie comic, after all.  




Wow, is Archie ever whipped?  He's actually excited Veronica is going to "let him" buy her a soda?  I'd probably reply in a more sarcastic manner with something like "Oh, gee, CAN I???"  But then again, he wouldn't be getting any more kissie-poo from her if he said something like that!

BTW, you'd think Veronica could pick up the check every once in a while seeing that her old man is loaded.  But no, she probably gets her kicks making various lowly Riverdale peasants buy her things.


Is that the same shirt Archie wears in the first panel?  It turned yellow!  But it's probably another shirt!  Wow, Archie's wardrobe must be covered in lipstick smears.  Definitely time to switch to another detergent brand, Mary!

Now I'm not sure if Mary is throwing her son under the bus here or is hinting to Veronica that she should wash the lipstick out of Archie's shirt.  After all, she's the one who smear her shade on his shirt.  Or is she?


So THAT's why Veronica is upset!  Initially, I thought she was mad because Mrs. A dared to suggest that she wash Archie's shirt!  But she has servants to take care of that for her; never mind! 



Hey, maybe Jug has taken to wearing lipstick!  His reputation as a woman hater could mean that he bats for the other team if you know what I mean.  Maybe Arch needs to spend less time with his beanie-wearing pal!


And under the bus Archie goes yet again!  Gee, thanks, Mom!

And Veronica, what makes you think it was Betty?  Surely Riverdale's teenage girl population isn't that limited.  Midge, maybe?  Naw, Archie wouldn't want to get pounded by her insanely jealous boyfriend!  Whoever's lipstick is on her collar, Veronica's so mad about it she's spewing stars and curly Qs from her mouth!


Not Betty, either!  For a minute there, I thought a catfight was going to break out!


And Archie beats out Veronica with the star-spewing so frustrated that he can't convince her he was out with Jughead.


Yeah, gee whiz!  Way to go, Mom, getting your son in Dutch with both of his potential soulmates!


Oh, Mary, how could you???  Your own son???  FOR SHAME!!!


OK, accidents happen, but why would you want to keep it a secret?  Why not just come clean to Archie and, more importantly, his girlfriends?

Or are you afraid that doing so could result in folks jumping to conclusions thinking that there's an incestuous relationship going on within the Andrews family?

Oh, we've got trouble right here in River Cit...er, Riverdale!  Yes, indeed...
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OK, that's it for this post!  See you soon with another one!

Excelsior!

Alan

Friday, July 7, 2017

Blobs....blobs everywhere...



Well, this is a first!  I've never added a meme to a FBF post before!

Bet you're thinking I'm going to feature something from the Toy Story comic book series (yes, there really was a series based on the popular Disney movie and its numerous sequels).

Sorry, not this time, if ever!  Today's post features that lawman from the future, Judge Dredd!

So what we have here is a story that focuses on a popular fad. I'm not talking anything retro like Nehru shirts, bell bottoms, or parachute pants.  This fad is something so ridiculous and potentially permanent.  I'm not talking permanent like a barbed wire tattoo around the arm or even a tramp stamp.  This fad...well, it's a little hard to explain!  Why don't we dive right into...


I don't mind telling you I had a hell of a time scanning these panels.  Whoever laid out this story loved to be creative with his panel placement!  I tried to work with it the best I could, so if you find it annoying, my profound apologies!

Anyway, the first panel shows Dredd surrounded by weird-looking characters that would have Zippy the Pinhead scratching his (pin)head in disbelief.  So what is going on here?

All in due time.  Because now we peek in on a meeting of Mega-City One's crime syndicate.  How to make criminals unrecognizable.  Hmmm.....


Yeah, I think Cyclops lost a few brain cells along with his left eye!  This "blob" person stands out like caca in a punch bowl.  Looks like Fingers underwent this transformation in vain.  Hey, maybe he can get a job for Hasbro hawking Mr. Potato Heads!


OK, I still don't get it.  Now you've got 4 more guys all looking freakishly the same!  Just a few more turds for the punch bowl!


Oh, now I get it!  The plan is to get everyone to adopt this look!  No one in their right mind would go for this, right?  RIGHT???


The redhead is all in!  Obviously not right in the head, not to mention she won't be a redhead anymore!  As for movie and TV stars, especially those under mob control...


Lola has a choice; become a blob or take a dirt nap!  After her transformation, a black woman is impressed enough to undergo the procedure.  I wonder if the clinic will require persons of color to undergo skin bleaching as well.....what?  It's a legitimate question!


Yes, they ARE outta their skulls! Some people just can't handle living in an overcrowded city.  At least a few people aren't going for this BS!


The syndicate's plan is a go!  Criminal blobs can attack normos at will.  The judges are now beside themselves wondering what they're going to do!  Just lock 'em all up?  Where would they put 'em all???


Another problem with this "blob" fad; people can't even recognize their own family, friends, or spouses!  This woman has no idea who the hell she's sharing a bed with every night!  This gang might actually have abducted her husband and the guy in bed is just a stranger infatuated with the missus!






So the problem is solved by requiring every blob in Mega-City One to be tattooed with a registration number on the forehead.  This smacks of something similar the Nazis did to Jews during World War 2, but here, it's clearly necessary.  Probably should've taken an additional step: shut down the face-change clinics and nip this idiocy in the bud!  True, they can't do much with those that have already undergone the transformation, but no more blobs will walk out of those clinics!


Back to the drawing board, guys?  So much for the "blob" plan.  Looks like a couple of those guys didn't need to be tattooed, especially the guy with the eyepatch!  Now their plan has failed and they all look like something out of a Devo video!  Congratulations, guys!

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That's it for now, everybody!  I'll have another post sometime in the next couple of weeks!  Till then...

Excelsior!

Alan

Wednesday, June 28, 2017

No air pump required!

I mentioned at the end of the last post that I'd feature Mayda Munny in the next, which is what you're reading right now.  Unfortunately, I was unable to find the issue which the particular story was in.  So until I am able to hunt it down, I'll have to postpone it for a future post.

In the meantime, I am featuring another Mayda Munny tale!  Yet again, Mayda schemes to drive a wedge between Richie and Gloria in the hopes she can catch him on the rebound.  What's she planning now?  And will it work this time?  Well, let's all find out in "What A Doll!"



Our story opens with a stock delivery man bringing Mini-Cher...er, I mean, Mayda a life-size replica of Richie Rich.  What a perfect copy, macrocephalic cabeza and all!

Oooookayyy, this whole setup is weird.  I'm getting the feeling that if Mayda can't have the real Richie, a cotton-filled replica will do?  I don't even want to think what her plans are for her newly-acquired "doll"!!!



Ooooh, now I get it!  She's using the doll as a prop to make Gloria think Richie's dumped her and is now hooking up with Mayda!  For all the money Mayda spent on her toy boy, it better be life-like!



Yeah, Gloria might think Richie's trip was a ruse, seeing as that he didn't even invite her to come along!

Yeah, Mayda, you're a doll, I suppose....kinda like this one pictured below!


Yep!



Hurry, Mayda, before she turns into that alley!

Hey, wait...GLORIA!!!  WHAT ARE YOU THINKING???  Going down a dark alley by yourself???


And Mayda doesn't know any better either!  Never mind passing Gloria; do you really want to take a chance on getting mugged???


Oh, darn, another obstacle!  Mayda just can't catch a break!

Or just use the sidewalk and go around!  That scooter can't be very big!  Sheesh!


Yeah, if a 12-year-old girl is flashing a wad of cash from about 15 feet away, it's kinda hard to take her seriously!  I mean, it might be play money...or Canadian currency.  That kinda looks like something out of a Monopoly box!

And it's understandable that he thinks her "boyfriend" is simple; just look at that stupid grin and vacant stare!


And yet another obstacle, this time in the form of a burly police officer bellowing at her to knock off the horn blowing in a hospital zone!  Not that the patients mind a policeman barking at loud motorists, no sir!

One thing positive I will say about Mayda; at least she respects and obeys authority figures!


Eyes forward and on the road, Mayda!!!  Oops, too late!  She just totaled that guy's greenery!

And, sir, you should be more upset about that destroyed bush; she really didn't do much to your lawn, unless she decides to do a few donuts just to piss you off even more!


So now all those obstacles are behind her, Mayda has one last chance!

But what's this???  Richie's back from his European trip!  But he called Gloria from the airport to meet him in front of a DRUGSTORE???  Why didn't you send a limo to pick her up, Richie, ol' boy?  I'm sure she wouldn't mind greeting you when you got off the plane!  It's bad enough you didn't bring her with you on the trip!  And don't tell me it was a "business" trip; I wouldn't buy it!

And while Richie and Gloria are making goo-goo eyes at each other, Mayda is about to wheel into an awkward moment, but to her relief, she lost the Richie doll at some point.


OK, awkward moment restored!!! A good Samaritan in a really hideous leisure suit (even by 70s standards) graciously returns Mayda's toy boy to her, much to the horror of her would-be boyfriend and her rival.  They're both like "What the hell???"

If I were Mayda, I'd hightail it out of there and cease all contact with Richie and Gloria...at least for a year or two.  They probably think you're some kind of freak, driving around with a Richie replica and all!  How embarrassing!

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That's a wrap for this post!  Next week (yes, NEXT WEEK, believe it or not), we'll drop in on Mega City One in the far-flung future of law enforcement courtesy of Judge Dredd.  When you see the next post, the film "Idiocracy" will probably come to mind.  See you then!

Excelsior!

Alan

Sunday, May 21, 2017

It's getting soupy in Riverdale!



Once upon a time, there was a TV show host whose brand of humor was really popular with the kids! Pictured above, his name was Soupy Sales. I suppose he could be best described as a 60s predecessor to Pee-Wee Herman minus the influence of hallucinogens.  Soupy's show was probably more along the lines of his contemporaries like Captain Kangaroo and Shari Lewis.

Sometime during the mid-60s, someone got the idea that Soupy would translate well to the comic book page.  Not so unusual, really; many TV and movie properties of the time were adapted sequentially (yes, even the Beverly Hillbillies!).  Dell and Gold Key were the primary comics publishers to scoop up publishing rights.  So did these comic book giants have their sights set on the man called Soupy?  Maybe, but, believe it or not, John Goldwater and the gang at Archie Comics published a one-shot comic in 1965 based on the adventures of Mr. Sales.

I vaguely remember seeing Soupy on TV when I was a child.  It was probably during the late 70s when his career was fading.  Some of you probably don't know who I'm talking about.  You can search him on Youtube for clips from his shows.  Or if you have nothing else to do, you can scroll through this post if you're curious as to how Archie portrayed this icon of kiddie shows!  Let's do it!


Yes, our pal Soupy is credited with inventing a dance step called "The Mouse."  I'm not sure if it was popular enough to surpass The Twist, The Mashed Potato, or even The Funky Chicken, but I'd be embarrassed to attempt this, even if I was alive back then.  But Archie and his gal pals are eating it up!  Wanna see Soupy in action?  Here you go:




Now doesn't that make you want to move the coffee table out of the way and get your Mouse on?  Yeah, me neither!







First page, we see Soupy (or at least Archie's version) singing and dancing his signature moves but is interrupted by a knock at the door.  Must be a small child or a dwarf, judging the way Soupy is stooping.

Another thing I noticed at the bottom is that the comic is "published bi-monthly." Plans must have been made to have this train wreck continue as a series, but sales figures must have been below par.  Poor marketing probably doomed this comic from the start or perhaps millions of Soupy fans just weren't interested in a comic book version.  Sorry, Soups!


So we don't actually see this real mouse! The powers at Archie likely didn't want letters from Disney's lawyers. 


Oh, ha, ha, ha!  The mouse is so small it could only hit Soupy's shins!  That's hilarious!

Hey, at least Soupy didn't get a beatdown like this (NOTE:  Not Safe For Work!):




Ouch!  Poor Joe!


Knock-knock jokes and pies in the face!  Oh, please, stop!  This is just too much!  I'm just ROTFLMAO!!!


A marble cake?  I think a better punchline would be something like "Grandma's Christmas fruitcake"! Not only are those things hard, they last for years and are hard to digest!


And the hilarity continues with flying boxing gloves to the face!  This would have been funnier if the radio was lowered about two feet!


Apparently the writer has run out of gags featuring Soupy, so he has to resort to featuring a couple of young Soupy fans!  Really reaching here!

So the young lad can't differentiate between the cards and the gum!  Not the sharpest tool in the shed, is he?  Sure, that bubble gum is stiff like the cards, but other than that...



If I were Soupy, I'd file a complaint with the PD's internal affairs department (after he gets checked out for a possible concussion).  I'm pretty sure it's against department policy to use civilians as battering rams!



Is the sign misleading?  Yes!  Is it false advertising?  I don't think so, unless Soupy can produce a larger plate from somewhere else in town, then he might have a case!


Can't you just picture teenagers in the mid-60s standing on street corners bragging about their Soupy fandom?  And I thought Trekkies were bad!


Some fan! Even after Soupy showers the kid with gifts, he's going to trade all those cards for a Mickey Mantle baseball card! On the other hand, it's probably the shrewdest trade he could make!  That Mickey Mantle card is probably worth thousands!


Just a thread from a sweater?  Why not the whole sweater?  The writer would have us believe that Soupy gets mauled by pretty girls as if he were one of the Beatles.

Whoever this girl is (Veronica with a bob haircut?), she obviously doesn't have a problem with destroying theater property to show her devotion to Soupy.


I hope that's a cardboard cutout he's got in that sack!  If not, he's going to learn really fast the penalty for kidnapping!  And girlie, you might want to apologize profusely to Soupy; it might prevent your being charged as an accessory!


Jughead has the right idea! Better to enjoy some brie than engage in this silly fad!


Did Goldwater outsource this story to a writer from the UK?  "Telly"?  Or maybe the Lodges have been faking their American accents for years but let their guard down for a moment.

OK, nevermind.  Mr. Lodge is about to disappoint his daughter and her friends by hogging the TV.  So what is his favorite program?  "Perry Mason"? "Burke's Law"? "Gunsmoke"?  "I Dream Of Jeannie"?  Are YOU in for a surprise?


The gang is relieved that Lodge is a Soupy fan, too!  An Archie fan...not so much!  Nothing new though; Archie has been a thorn in Mr. Lodge's side for decades!


OK, Archie, maybe it's time for you to seek therapy. You're taking your Soupy obsession to an unhealthy level.

And where did Lodge get that pie all of a sudden?  Just wondering...


And we conclude with the back page of the first, last, and only issue of the Soupy Sales comic with Archie dancing the Mouse one last time (as if you didn't get enough from the pages within).  And now Reggie gets his turn to hurl a pie at his red-headed frenemy.  We don't get to see a pie-covered Archie this time but we do see that Pop Tate's has a well-stocked comics rack (stocked with Archie titles, of course!).  Gotta have that product placement to hopefully turn on the Soupy fans to Archie and the gang, right? I'm thinking this book didn't help much.  After all, this comic lasted only ONE issue!

As for Soupy, he continued to be a pop culture influence throughout the 60s and into the 70s to an extent.  Yes, I did rip on him some in this post, but it's obvious he was loved by many.  He and his puppet pals entertained millions for years, so he obviously did something right.  Many of those same fans fondly remember him to this day and were surely heartbroken when he passed away in 2009,  RIP, Soupy!

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So that wraps this post on Funny Book Funnies!  Join us in about a week or two when Mayda Munny launches yet another scheme to lure Richie Rich away from girlfriend Gloria. What's the plan this time?  Would you believe...a makeover?  That's right!  Check out the jaw-dropping post next time!

Excelsior!

Alan