But you're puzzled, I'm sure! There is no more Soviet Union. It didn't even last a hundred, much less 500 years, much to the chagrin of Berkeley commies and BAMN (again, I refer you to Google). But Marvel writer J.M. DeMatteis just happened to be moonlighting at Gold Key/Whitman in the early 80s and cranked out this Buck Rogers story where Soviet Russia has been transplanted onto a planet some light years away. Why? I don't know! Perhaps world politics at the time this was written had something to do with the mood of this story. J.M. probably figured, hey if an episode of Star Trek can feature a planet of Nazis, why not give this a shot? And I can't imagine an editor at Whitman doing nothing more than rubber-stamping most things that come across the desk, so this Buck Rogers tale made its way into plastic-bag-sealed 3-packs (yeah, remember those?) and shipped to department stores all across North America.
So now I give you this strangely crafted Buck Rogers story, part of a series published when Buck Rogers In The 25th Century, starring Gil Gerard, Erin Gray, and Mel Blanc as the voice of Twikki, struggled to gain an audience over 2 seasons, much like Glen A. Larson's other series, Battlestar Galactica.
Actually, this is a good likeness of Erin Gray as Colonel Wilma Deering. But all we see is her detached head floating in space. What about the rest of her torso? And can anyone hear her shout "Buck!" in space? Especially with a lack of a word balloon?
So the Cossack dance is alive and well in the 25th century! Good to know some traditions never die even among the ruins of a nuclear-decimated USSR. But has the guy on stage really been doing the dance for fourteen hours??? Ouch!!!
Wilma might be regretting her decision to intervene at this point. OK, you're welcome! Let it go already!!!
Yes, Ersta is this deceptively peaceful looking world that looks like a giant eyeball. Yes, the planet and its inhabitants look peaceful....but do or say the wrong thing and heads are gonna roll....literally!
See what I mean? That's Arabs for ya, man; that's how they roll!
Ten feet tall? Wow, what are they feeding these Amazons? Whatever it is, an obvious side effect is lack of hair growth! One can only imagine how she's going to torture this "craven dog."
Or rats! Could've been rats!
Sounds like Buck majored in Russian history at the Air Force Academy! Or maybe he's a card-carrying commie bastard!
Milkniz? Is that anything like a parsec?
"But, sir, that's one of OUR ships!"
Again, gotta watch what you say around these hypersensitive nutjobs! You're lucky he slaps like a girl and even luckier he doesn't call the giant bald chick to rough you up!
Yeah, bet they're glad to be so blessed to die for this crazy asshole! And I have a feeling he's going to regret turning Veesar's siblings into space dust. He's all cavalier about it now, but...someday...
Hey, Twiki, Flavor Flav called; he wants his clock necklace back!
Well, she's right! You Corens can't even handle the quarter rides outside of a K-Mart.
And just like that, the Corens are going to take flying lessons from Wilma and Buck! Hope those fighters are insured, but probably not.
No, Buck, he's not overbearing; just your garden variety perv!
Hey, HEY!!! Let's focus on the mission, people! There'll be plenty of time for the Dating Game later...if you come back, that is!
So it WAS a rat; a big fat one with a table cloth on his head!
Gee, Veesar, you're just now figuring this out? Mitos is a special kind of crazy, that's for sure!
See? This is what a lack of focus can result in! Now the book is going to be cancelled because the star just got blown up...oh,wait....that's probably the BEST thing that could happen. RIP, Buck...
Wow, what a twist! Mitos is a damn robot!!! Wonder if his insides are filled with Milk of Magnesia like Ash from "Alien"?
NOOOOO!!! NOT THE RED DESTRUCT BUTTON!!!
Funny, though, how easily accessible it is!
Now this is what I call "space opera!" Sonya sacrifices herself for her beloved Rodian. Hard to say if Rodian is either upset or angry as he shouts her name! Maybe kinda like Kirk screaming "KHAAAAANNNN!!!"
Oh, only now do we realize Rodian was in love with Sonya. And after he spent the majority of the story hitting on Wilma.
And, staying true to the comic book story convention that if you don't see a body then the character isn't dead, Buck nonchalantly comes strolling in without so much as a scratch. So, Wilma, is that part of you still dead or did it somehow come back to life?
Well, that's a wrap! But before signing off, something completely different! Enjoy:
Wow, check out this cool ad on the back cover! Might want to Xerox the order form so as not to diminish the potential value of this awesome comic! Thinking about putting John Travolta up on your bedroom wall? Let's hope the postal service will deliver it with the utmost care!
Don't care for the Saturday Night Fever/Grease heartthrob? Plenty more to choose from! How about Garfield knockoff Heathcliff? Or those dreamboats from the hit ABC family drama Eight Is Enough? Swoon!!!
Wanna piss off your mom? Put one of these beauties on your wall! Your mom will drag you to confession faster than you can say a "Hail Mary." No kid of hers is going to have pictures of devil-worshiping freaks in the house! A member of the KISS army, too? She'll see to it that you're discharged!
Hey, your mom might approve of these guys instead! Scottish pretty boys The Bay City Rollers! She'll even buy you a tartan if you pick one of these over Gene Simmons!
Flaming Vader? REALLY??? Who knew he was that way?
That concludes this post! So keep your feet on the ground and keep reaching for the stars! Till next time....