Friday, November 10, 2017

Straight outta Cabbage Patch!

I know, I know!  It's been several months since my last post.  So busy with work and my entrepreneurial projects that I haven't had much time for this blog.  But I'm hoping to change that.  I'm back and anxious to dive right in!

Anyone remember Cabbage Patch Kids? Kids from the early 80s (little girls in particular) considered them the hot toys to have Santa bring them for Christmas!  Not sure what they are?  Here's a classic commercial; enjoy!

  


Yes, they actually came with adoption papers and a diaper!  Why?  OK, I guess the papers would give young moppets the fantasy of actually adopting a child without the hassle of adoption agencies, court proceedings, etc..  But a diaper?  Come on!  It's not Betsy Wetsy!

But enough of the rambling!  If you're interested in learning more about these toy oddities, feel free to utilize Google.  For now, we look at this brief tale from the anthology title Tales Of Terror.  Issue #5 cover dated March 1986 from the now-defunct Eclipse Comics.  Obviously the title was their tribute/ripoff of EC horror comics of the 1950s, which were far superior.

If you're expecting the Crypt Keeper to provide introduction, you've just been disappointed!  Sorry!  So let's join this Cabbage Patch-inspired, regularly-scheduled tale already in progress!  Presenting "Every Home Should Have One" (Oooooookayyyeee?).



Ya think so, lady?  Mr. Potato Head could be considered "cute" too if this is the standard you go by.


Hey, you take your chances when you shop at a flea market. You have no idea where these dolls have been!  Just hope that these Cabbage Patch dolls are not cheap bootlegs from Hong Kong stuffed with used bloody medical gauze bandages (yes, this sort of thing has happened before!).


Why?  Is Alicia being punished for some reason?




Of course it feels a little strange!  It's a creepy-looking doll that became popular several years before Chucky hit the big screen!  But just like the people who insisted on staying in that house in Amityville, NY even when ghostly voices told them to "GET OUT!", you're still going ignore your instincts and present this thing as a gift to your only child instead of chucking it out the car window!  We already know this isn't going to end well!



Yeah, Mommy, she loves it!  Kids growing up in the 80s sure had strange taste in toys, didn't they?


Alicia has obviously outgrown her crib, but yet it's still in her room?  Don't these people have an attic?  A basement?


Ooooo, the moon is full!  Already we have a tell-tale sign that things are about to get terrifying!  And now the crib has a few broken bars!  No one heard this?  Not even the scraping at the window?  BTW, sound effects must have been outsourced to Harvey Comics (hey, they had to have SOME cash flow while on hiatus around this time while awaiting the outcome of their lawsuit against Columbia Pictures),


Alicia must be a deep sleeper!  Doesn't even hear the window-scraping from all those demonic-looking dolls outside her window!  


Too late, Alicia!  The mole that your mother unknowingly brought into the house has made it possible for you to be kidnapped....by Cabbage Patch Kids!  Let that sink in!


Notice the pause that the guy gives!  I'm not sure if he's her father, step-dad, or one of a long line of "uncles", but he seems annoyed that he has to jump out of bed to either put her back in bed or have her sleep in the crib for the night.  Hey, maybe that's why the crib was still in her room!


Yes, the doll is missing, too....AS USUAL!  Geez, great detective work there, Serpico!  Did it every occur to you guys to question parents as to where they got these dolls?  It might provide a clue!  But no, as long as you remain clueless, you'll continue to respond to calls from sobbing parents as demon-possessed Cabbage Patch Kids make off with the town's children one by one!


So that's how the story ends?  With a bound-and-gagged Alicia being lowered into a hole in the ground that's sealed by an evil-looking, sharp-toothed doll?  What will become of her?  Are these evil Cabbage Patch Kids in league with Santa? Hmmmm....could be!





Perhaps this below is the fate that awaits Alicia!



But we'll never know, perhaps because the writer painted himself into a corner or was facing a deadline!

MORAL OF THE STORY:  Stay the hell away from Cabbage Patch Kids, especially if being sold second-hand by some creepy old lady at a flea market!


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So that's it for this installment!  I'll try to have a few more done by New Year's at least!  Till next time...


Excelsior!

Alan



Spo

Tuesday, August 1, 2017

No amount of Wisk will solve this problem!

Yes, I know Wisk is no longer on store shelves, but who could forget those classic commercials, like this one:


I'll bet Archie Andrews wishes his mom used this wonder detergent on his collared shirts, "R" sweaters, and even his BVDs.  The use of a thorough laundry detergent might have prevented some trouble he's about to find himself in in the upcoming story for this post.  So let's see what happens in "Red Around The Collar".


Notice something here?  No, not the supposed blood on Archie's ear.  I meant the mentioning of Archie Comics co-founder John Goldwater in the upper-left corner.  Hey, if Stan Lee can do the same at Marvel, why not?

But what is the deal with Archie's ear?  Mosquito bite?  A botched ear piercing?  Oh, what could it be?


Ooooh, it's lipstick!  What a relief!  Either Arch just got back from a date or Mom needs to switch detergent brands.  Then again, it's a bitch trying to remove lipstick from clothing, wine glasses, etc..


Yeah, Archie, you should...wait, WHAT?  Is this Mrs. A encouraging her son to give girls hickeys???   Very liberal-minded of her regarding dating rituals!  No wonder Archie admits doing so with both parental units in the room!


Whoa, wait a minute!  Is she doing a 180 here?  First she encourages such promiscuous behavior, then she scolds her son when he fesses up!  And yes, Mrs. A, Archie encourages girls to kiss him.  But nothing beyond that; this IS an Archie comic, after all.  




Wow, is Archie ever whipped?  He's actually excited Veronica is going to "let him" buy her a soda?  I'd probably reply in a more sarcastic manner with something like "Oh, gee, CAN I???"  But then again, he wouldn't be getting any more kissie-poo from her if he said something like that!

BTW, you'd think Veronica could pick up the check every once in a while seeing that her old man is loaded.  But no, she probably gets her kicks making various lowly Riverdale peasants buy her things.


Is that the same shirt Archie wears in the first panel?  It turned yellow!  But it's probably another shirt!  Wow, Archie's wardrobe must be covered in lipstick smears.  Definitely time to switch to another detergent brand, Mary!

Now I'm not sure if Mary is throwing her son under the bus here or is hinting to Veronica that she should wash the lipstick out of Archie's shirt.  After all, she's the one who smear her shade on his shirt.  Or is she?


So THAT's why Veronica is upset!  Initially, I thought she was mad because Mrs. A dared to suggest that she wash Archie's shirt!  But she has servants to take care of that for her; never mind! 



Hey, maybe Jug has taken to wearing lipstick!  His reputation as a woman hater could mean that he bats for the other team if you know what I mean.  Maybe Arch needs to spend less time with his beanie-wearing pal!


And under the bus Archie goes yet again!  Gee, thanks, Mom!

And Veronica, what makes you think it was Betty?  Surely Riverdale's teenage girl population isn't that limited.  Midge, maybe?  Naw, Archie wouldn't want to get pounded by her insanely jealous boyfriend!  Whoever's lipstick is on her collar, Veronica's so mad about it she's spewing stars and curly Qs from her mouth!


Not Betty, either!  For a minute there, I thought a catfight was going to break out!


And Archie beats out Veronica with the star-spewing so frustrated that he can't convince her he was out with Jughead.


Yeah, gee whiz!  Way to go, Mom, getting your son in Dutch with both of his potential soulmates!


Oh, Mary, how could you???  Your own son???  FOR SHAME!!!


OK, accidents happen, but why would you want to keep it a secret?  Why not just come clean to Archie and, more importantly, his girlfriends?

Or are you afraid that doing so could result in folks jumping to conclusions thinking that there's an incestuous relationship going on within the Andrews family?

Oh, we've got trouble right here in River Cit...er, Riverdale!  Yes, indeed...
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OK, that's it for this post!  See you soon with another one!

Excelsior!

Alan

Friday, July 7, 2017

Blobs....blobs everywhere...



Well, this is a first!  I've never added a meme to a FBF post before!

Bet you're thinking I'm going to feature something from the Toy Story comic book series (yes, there really was a series based on the popular Disney movie and its numerous sequels).

Sorry, not this time, if ever!  Today's post features that lawman from the future, Judge Dredd!

So what we have here is a story that focuses on a popular fad. I'm not talking anything retro like Nehru shirts, bell bottoms, or parachute pants.  This fad is something so ridiculous and potentially permanent.  I'm not talking permanent like a barbed wire tattoo around the arm or even a tramp stamp.  This fad...well, it's a little hard to explain!  Why don't we dive right into...


I don't mind telling you I had a hell of a time scanning these panels.  Whoever laid out this story loved to be creative with his panel placement!  I tried to work with it the best I could, so if you find it annoying, my profound apologies!

Anyway, the first panel shows Dredd surrounded by weird-looking characters that would have Zippy the Pinhead scratching his (pin)head in disbelief.  So what is going on here?

All in due time.  Because now we peek in on a meeting of Mega-City One's crime syndicate.  How to make criminals unrecognizable.  Hmmm.....


Yeah, I think Cyclops lost a few brain cells along with his left eye!  This "blob" person stands out like caca in a punch bowl.  Looks like Fingers underwent this transformation in vain.  Hey, maybe he can get a job for Hasbro hawking Mr. Potato Heads!


OK, I still don't get it.  Now you've got 4 more guys all looking freakishly the same!  Just a few more turds for the punch bowl!


Oh, now I get it!  The plan is to get everyone to adopt this look!  No one in their right mind would go for this, right?  RIGHT???


The redhead is all in!  Obviously not right in the head, not to mention she won't be a redhead anymore!  As for movie and TV stars, especially those under mob control...


Lola has a choice; become a blob or take a dirt nap!  After her transformation, a black woman is impressed enough to undergo the procedure.  I wonder if the clinic will require persons of color to undergo skin bleaching as well.....what?  It's a legitimate question!


Yes, they ARE outta their skulls! Some people just can't handle living in an overcrowded city.  At least a few people aren't going for this BS!


The syndicate's plan is a go!  Criminal blobs can attack normos at will.  The judges are now beside themselves wondering what they're going to do!  Just lock 'em all up?  Where would they put 'em all???


Another problem with this "blob" fad; people can't even recognize their own family, friends, or spouses!  This woman has no idea who the hell she's sharing a bed with every night!  This gang might actually have abducted her husband and the guy in bed is just a stranger infatuated with the missus!






So the problem is solved by requiring every blob in Mega-City One to be tattooed with a registration number on the forehead.  This smacks of something similar the Nazis did to Jews during World War 2, but here, it's clearly necessary.  Probably should've taken an additional step: shut down the face-change clinics and nip this idiocy in the bud!  True, they can't do much with those that have already undergone the transformation, but no more blobs will walk out of those clinics!


Back to the drawing board, guys?  So much for the "blob" plan.  Looks like a couple of those guys didn't need to be tattooed, especially the guy with the eyepatch!  Now their plan has failed and they all look like something out of a Devo video!  Congratulations, guys!

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That's it for now, everybody!  I'll have another post sometime in the next couple of weeks!  Till then...

Excelsior!

Alan

Wednesday, June 28, 2017

No air pump required!

I mentioned at the end of the last post that I'd feature Mayda Munny in the next, which is what you're reading right now.  Unfortunately, I was unable to find the issue which the particular story was in.  So until I am able to hunt it down, I'll have to postpone it for a future post.

In the meantime, I am featuring another Mayda Munny tale!  Yet again, Mayda schemes to drive a wedge between Richie and Gloria in the hopes she can catch him on the rebound.  What's she planning now?  And will it work this time?  Well, let's all find out in "What A Doll!"



Our story opens with a stock delivery man bringing Mini-Cher...er, I mean, Mayda a life-size replica of Richie Rich.  What a perfect copy, macrocephalic cabeza and all!

Oooookayyy, this whole setup is weird.  I'm getting the feeling that if Mayda can't have the real Richie, a cotton-filled replica will do?  I don't even want to think what her plans are for her newly-acquired "doll"!!!



Ooooh, now I get it!  She's using the doll as a prop to make Gloria think Richie's dumped her and is now hooking up with Mayda!  For all the money Mayda spent on her toy boy, it better be life-like!



Yeah, Gloria might think Richie's trip was a ruse, seeing as that he didn't even invite her to come along!

Yeah, Mayda, you're a doll, I suppose....kinda like this one pictured below!


Yep!



Hurry, Mayda, before she turns into that alley!

Hey, wait...GLORIA!!!  WHAT ARE YOU THINKING???  Going down a dark alley by yourself???


And Mayda doesn't know any better either!  Never mind passing Gloria; do you really want to take a chance on getting mugged???


Oh, darn, another obstacle!  Mayda just can't catch a break!

Or just use the sidewalk and go around!  That scooter can't be very big!  Sheesh!


Yeah, if a 12-year-old girl is flashing a wad of cash from about 15 feet away, it's kinda hard to take her seriously!  I mean, it might be play money...or Canadian currency.  That kinda looks like something out of a Monopoly box!

And it's understandable that he thinks her "boyfriend" is simple; just look at that stupid grin and vacant stare!


And yet another obstacle, this time in the form of a burly police officer bellowing at her to knock off the horn blowing in a hospital zone!  Not that the patients mind a policeman barking at loud motorists, no sir!

One thing positive I will say about Mayda; at least she respects and obeys authority figures!


Eyes forward and on the road, Mayda!!!  Oops, too late!  She just totaled that guy's greenery!

And, sir, you should be more upset about that destroyed bush; she really didn't do much to your lawn, unless she decides to do a few donuts just to piss you off even more!


So now all those obstacles are behind her, Mayda has one last chance!

But what's this???  Richie's back from his European trip!  But he called Gloria from the airport to meet him in front of a DRUGSTORE???  Why didn't you send a limo to pick her up, Richie, ol' boy?  I'm sure she wouldn't mind greeting you when you got off the plane!  It's bad enough you didn't bring her with you on the trip!  And don't tell me it was a "business" trip; I wouldn't buy it!

And while Richie and Gloria are making goo-goo eyes at each other, Mayda is about to wheel into an awkward moment, but to her relief, she lost the Richie doll at some point.


OK, awkward moment restored!!! A good Samaritan in a really hideous leisure suit (even by 70s standards) graciously returns Mayda's toy boy to her, much to the horror of her would-be boyfriend and her rival.  They're both like "What the hell???"

If I were Mayda, I'd hightail it out of there and cease all contact with Richie and Gloria...at least for a year or two.  They probably think you're some kind of freak, driving around with a Richie replica and all!  How embarrassing!

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That's a wrap for this post!  Next week (yes, NEXT WEEK, believe it or not), we'll drop in on Mega City One in the far-flung future of law enforcement courtesy of Judge Dredd.  When you see the next post, the film "Idiocracy" will probably come to mind.  See you then!

Excelsior!

Alan