I've digressed enough, though. I found this little gem within their boxes. Only a dollar, BTW. Probably paid too much. though. Can't believe this garbage actually retailed for almost 4 bucks! Is it any wonder why I rarely buy new comics anymore?
Anyway, for your pleasure, amusement, or disgust (take your pick!), here's Image's Elephantmen #46 from 2013.
I thought such grandiose demands from comic book villains were a thing of the past. Statements like "BOW BEFORE THE MIGHT OF [insert name of cheesy egomaniacal villain here]" were corny then and even moreso now. Perhaps writer Richard Starkings was feeling nostalgic? And speaking of Richard, isn't he primarily known as a comic book letterer? I suppose the staff he employs at his Comicraft studio can handle all the lettering and design assignments they are hired for, so he has some free time to pursue other interests. Maybe find a hobby there, Rich; leave the writing to those with something of a resume in the craft.
And one of the first visages we're treated to is a scantily-clad large-breasted woman vomiting! What's the matter, sweetie? Those 'shrooms not agree with you?
Say, Hip, her vomit does kinda look like salad; a 'shroom salad!
Enter Harry Hazard, who comes across as the love child of Dr. Manhattan and Andy Warhol. And what's with those shades? I think you could order those from a comic book ad years ago! Like these, maybe?
OK, close enough! Speaking of seeing "bones thru skin," we don't need no stinkin' x-ray specs to see through Mr. Hazard's skin! Yikes!
And what "men in the moon" is Mr. Hazard speaking of?
Anthropomorphic hippos and walking x-rays. Starkings is trying to go for something Kafka-esque in his storytelling, I would suspect.
So not a few pages in, we cut to a flashback of Hazard aka Spore's origin story. Hey, all good supervillain origin stories take place at the Santa Monica beach. Didn't you know that?
Oh, no! The old folks are shocked upon gazing at the nearly-bare-assed shot of Harry's girlfriend. Mrs. Slocombe looks horrified (or jealous, maybe) while Indiana Jones may start drooling at any moment!
And y'know, Harry, if you just gonna stare at Trudy all day...
...she's just gonna bury you up to your neck in SAND and put on a show for you! But she's probably putting on a show for the whole beach, too; it's not like there's a curtain or tent around.
And that bucket on his head? Keeps him from looking at other beach bunnies while she goes for ice cream!
So what do you suppose attracted Harry to Trudy? Her ta-tas? Backside? Or maybe that combo pigtails-and-brushcut hairdo? Honey, I'd sue whoever did that to your hair! Seriously!
Suddenly, a meteor strikes the beach, vaporizing everyone! What's that sand bucket made out of, anyway? Didn't even melt! It was the only thing protecting Harry's noggin, until...
...CHOPPERS SHOW UP! Geez, what did Harry do to piss off the military??? This story is not making much sense so far!
Hmmm....where have I seen this before? This looks so familiar! Oh, yeah! Here you go!
Well, so much for originality! You suppose Harry is going to "hulk" out? Read on...
OK, so he's not huge and green! Still the same size and now a pale shade of blue, not unlike a Marvel Universe Atlantean. Any powers? Well, you can see his skeletal system when held up to the light! Oh, and he can grow mushrooms out of his hand! OK, that's....weird!
Obviously, his powers do not include paying the rent on time, as his landlord lays into him reciting much of Alex Lifeson's speech at the Rock 'n' Roll Hall of Fame induction ceremony. Those must be some dark shades he's wearing; doesn't even notice Harry's new and unusual skin tone!
All you renters out there; don't you fantasize about doing something like that to YOUR landlord? That's some bad power, Harry! Turning your landlord into a mushroom explosion!
Half-naked neighbor Vanessa is about to get turned into a mushroom pile, too, until Harry realizes she's high as a kite...and anxious to eat mushrooms off his fingertips. Harry is only too happy to oblige her1 Well, why not? Trudy is now a vaporized shadow etched into the sands of Santa Monica beach!
Yes, the talking hippo wants to know....WHO ARE THE MEN IN THE MOON????
Mappo? What's Mappo? Did I miss something here, perhaps in previous issues? Not that I'm going to waste any more money on this drek! How did the guys in charge at Image even green-light this disaster, much less continue to publish to 46 issues and beyond?
And to get the reader to anxiously anticipate the next issue, the artist creeps us out with mushrooms bulging out of Harry's eye sockets! Thanks, Richard and company! Can't wait!
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Good to be back, ladies and gentlemen! Join us again in less than a week when Jackie Jokers really gets into character as The Funz (yes, it's Harvey Comics' thinly-veiled version of The Fonz). I think Henry Winkler's job security was beyond safe, trust me!
Till next time,
Excelsior!
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