Swimming with the sharks...and the whales, the swordfish, the octopi...

Whenever you read a Richie Rich story, you have to suspend a certain amount of disbelief.  That's already a given when you come across a story that also features Richie's dog Dollar.  A pet covered with dollar signs and referred to in breed as a "Dollarmation" (not sure if any kennel club worldwide recognizes this breed, especially since Dollar is the only one), I suspect there was some genetic experimentation going on in the Rich labs.  I'm digressing a bit, though; let's have a look at this story from Richie Rich Zillionz (yes, that's what it says on the cover) #6 (dated Oct. 1977).  Something really smells fishy (pun intended!) about it!

Oh, come on, Mr. Rich!  You're kind of being a drama queen here!  These are ocean creatures we're talking about here, not tropical fish!  I think they'll be OK!  Whoever wrote this story must have been doing some serious fishing (groan!) for a story idea, and this is what he came up with!  OK, read on...

Oh, where to begin here!  Sooooo many things wrong with this!  First, I'm no expert in marine biology, but I'm pretty sure at least a couple of these creatures are natural enemies, so there's no way they would be transported or kept in the same tank!  Second, the suggestion is made to "go for a swim."  Bad idea, Freckles!  These creatures are wild and typically not fond of human interaction.  They shouldn't even be in the same enclosure.  But this being a Harvey comic, all the reader sees is happy, smiling sea creatures playing with happy, smiling children.  No blood-tainted pool, no dismemberment, nothing horrific!  Don't you just miss the heyday of the Comics Code?

Why are many common criminals in comics nicknamed "Lefty"?  In TV shows and movies, too, for that matter?  Is the implication that left-handed people are dishonest and lead lives of crime?  That's about 10 percent of the population; doesn't exactly match up with statistics!

Yeah, crooks, you SHOULD be scared!  That shark is a man-eater!!!  "Jaws" had been released a couple of years prior to this story, so that vision of a Great White chomping down on Robert Shaw is still fresh in people's minds! But relax, guys; this shark appears to be toothless.  But watch out for that swordfish; it looks determined to carve you guys up into sushi!

No way, Lefty and Slugger!  Squidly Diddly there will prevent your escape, but first the whale will give you an impromptu enema before the cops haul you away!

And what's with that truck?  From an engineering standpoint, not very sound!  Gasket could leak, truck could get rear-ended...  A disaster waiting to happen!  And STILL no separation of the different species!

Oh, yes!  Let's have a pool party after the aquatic creatures have been removed!  No scrubbing, no sterilization!  Disgusting!  Those crooks probably did you kids a favor draining the pool!

The solution?  Use another pool on the estate?  Head to the Y?  Nope, Richie pulls some strings and gets permission to put himself and his friends in danger by having a swim in the aquarium's main tank!  Playing with fire there, Richie, playing with fire...

OK, that's it for this posting!  See you next time!

Excelsior!

Satan don't want no Meow Mix!

Today's entry delves into a story from a horror comic from the 50s when newsstands were awash with titles of such a macabre nature.  Tomb of Terror was published by Harvey Comics, yes, the same publisher best known for household names like Casper and Richie Rich.  But before the Harvey family found their niche in the world of comics publishing, they attempted this second-rate rip-off of the EC Comics line.  You know, the publisher famous for excessively gory titles like Tales From The Crypt and Vault of Horror (and indirectly responsible for the creation of the Comics Code, but that's another story for another time).

I call the Harvey horror line "second-rate" because...well, you be the judge!  Below is "The Cry of Satan" from Tomb of Terror #3 (dated August 1953).

But first, let's have a look at this cover!  Not sure what is going on here, but you can tell right off the bat the artist was either facing a deadline or Harvey established some mediocre standards.  If they wanted to compete with EC, this is not the way to go about it.  If you ever get the opportunity to check out an EC comic, you'll understand what I mean.  Many EC comics have been reprinted, or you can Google search and view some images.  But anyway, back to the story...

These guys really should have done their research when choosing a Bed and Breakfast!  I mean, the repulsive site of the proprietors alone should have been a dead (no pun intended) giveaway. And when the cat is named Satan, bad things are bound to happen.  You've been warned, dear reader!!!

What is it about a witch's hair?  Edgar seems to be obsessed with it!  Maybe some Selsun Blue could do some good because...oh, that itch!

And nephew David has no problem staying the night at his aunt and uncle's home even though Hester bears some resemblance to Geddy Lee...er, I mean, a witch.  Yes, a witch whome David believes is responsible for his mother's death.  But he has no problem sleeping under her roof while he plots revenge against her.  You already know this is not going to end well for David!

Meanwhile, Edgar, still obsessed with his sister's hair, believes that, like Samson in the Old Testament, she'll be weakened considerably if he chops it off.  And he's right!  He can plunge a knife through her heart without fear of some kind of spell being cast upon him!

And notice how bummed David looks that he wasn't the one to end Hester's life!  But hey, at least she's worm food now!

I'm not sure if Delfina really believes that the cat is Satan taking the form of a feline, but she still talks to it like your typical crazy cat lady!  Still, she's convinced that the braid of hair can be turned into a venomous snake.  I think I saw something similar to this in "The Ten Commandments."

Did that cat just turn into a panther?  Looks like that cat has the power of Satan!

And here comes Hester as some form of apparition.  Why she needs her hair in the afterlife is a mystery, one not questioned by her loyal servant Delfina.  I guess the reader is just expected to "go with it!"

Hey, Witchiepoo, NOBODY controls Satan!  I can't believe you haven't figured that out yet!  And how do you control that cat with a few strands of hair? 

And why aren't the cops puking at the sight of several recently-deceased human bodies?  Oh, right, they're busy consoling the cat that's obviously traumatized over so many human deaths!

If you only knew, coppers!  If you only knew....

That's it for this post!  Be back in a day or two with a post featuring one of the most unfunny comedians in all of comicdom, Jackie Jokers!  I'm hoping my commentary will at least elicit a few chuckles!

Excelsior!

Whole Lotta burgers going on!

Today we look at a story from Harvey Comics' heyday.  This Little Lotta (yeah, right!)story appeared in Richie Rich Millions #13 (dated June 1965).  True to her character, Lotta salivates like Pavlov's dog at the thought of consuming mass quantities of food, especially if it's offered to her for free!  Sit back, pull up a feeding trough, and get ready for hi-jinks galore as Lotta attempts to bankrupt a small eatery on its first day of business!

GANGWAY, EVERYONE!!!  Lotta will not be denied, and if that means you become a permanent part of the pavement because you didn't heed the warning, so be it!  Good thing the manager opened the door in the nick of time or there would be shards of  glass all over that place.  Hey, at least she said "thank you" before snatching a stack of burgers!

Too bad, Dot!  Lotta's gonna scarf down that last one on the tray!  As the saying goes, you snooze, you lose!

How resourceful of you, Lotta!  You might, I don't know, burn a few calories going back and forth!  I suppose you got enough exercise for the day hauling ass to that burger joint to begin with!

Ha ha ha!  Oh, Dot, you're such a card!  Implying that your hefty friend ate one of the metal trays.  On the plus side, that tray is probably much lower in cholesterol and an important source of iron.  But if Lotta is to win that prize, she needs to save room for those burgers, or she'll "put on 20 pounds trying."  Suuuure!  I see a disability scooter in her future...

Is it just me, or is that manager a bit overdressed for a burger joint?  C'mon, it's not the Brown Derby!

And no, Lotta, he didn't make a mistake; take the hint!  There's other people there who'd like to eat, too!

And how did she get that tray?  She didn't have it when she was "escorted" outside.  Was it lying in the street?  Or did she have it hidden somewhere on her body?  Either way, GROSS!!!

Wow, how many has she had so far?  Why aren't all the other customers bitching to the manager about her cutting in line, scheming, and gluttony?

And notice Chubby Tubbs there taking his father's hamburger!  He didn't even ask his dad something like "You're not gonna eat that, are you?"  Lotta doesn't see a problem with that; no, her beef (no pun intended) is it's unfair that someone isn't waiting in line for HER to fetch her hamburgers!  Hey, Dot!  HINT HINT!

OK, now we're getting into property damage!  And the kitchen chef is not fazed at all either by Lotta's yanking the door out of the wall or her strolling through the kitchen like she owned the place!  How gullible is this guy?  Try pulling that stuff on Gordon Ramsay, Lotta; he would bark at you to get the f#(k out!

You mean someone was keeping count?  125???  I don't think that many hot dogs were ever consumed by one contestant at Nathan's 4th of July contest.  This girl should be hanging her head over a toilet by now!

And what's with that look Lotta gives the manager as she declares "I'm still hungry?"  I think I'm beginning to understand why Catholics consider gluttony one of the seven deadly sins; you mess with Lotta during one of her feedings, you might end up dead!

And there's her door prize....literally!  Lotta shouldn't be surprised, though!  It's not like they falsely advertised.  And considering you wolfed down over 100 hamburgers without spending a dime, you really don't have a thing to complain about!

BTW, I've heard on clip-on bow ties, but clip-on hair ribbons?  That thing is not too secure on her head if it can fly straight up so easily.  Or....may it IS a bow tie!  Like the one Richie Rich wears!  You been raiding his wardrobe, Lotta???

ANNNND...that concludes this post!  I'll have another one for you in a couple of days!  Till next time!

Excelsior!

Betty Cooper keeping her eye on the prize!

Today I look at a story from Archie's Pals'n'Gals #33 (dated Summer 1965; yes, it really says that on the inside of the front cover).  It features one of Archie's "gals," namely Betty Cooper.  It opens with Betty chatting with an unidentified girl (Classmate?  Neighborhood friend?  Cousin?  Avon calling?).  Betty's guest notices a trophy and inquires about it, and that's where the story begins.  Try to keep up, dear reader!

Yes, Betty, where DID you ever get that trophy?  Because obviously there's no engraving even indicating that it's YOUR trophy!  Her mom could have won a bake-off or her dad's bowling team could have won the all-city championship!  WE JUST DON'T KNOW, BETTY!!! PLEASE CLUE US IN!!!

Um..Betty, dear, no one asked to hear your life's story!  Geez, when AREN'T you dejected and depressed because that gold-digging sumbitch Archie prefers Veronica to you?  You really think winning a trophy will bring him around?  Maybe, if the thing is made out of solid gold and encrusted with diamonds!

But you're going to drag this out over the next four pages, aren't you?

::SIGH::....OK, go on...

A trophy?  That's it???  No cash, no year's supply of Turtle Wax, no brand new car???  Just a hunk of metal!  I think I'm beginning to understand her infatuation with Archie; she decided a long time ago to keep her expectations as low as possible!

BTW, Bets, I'd have to check the rules, but I think ricocheting your ball off another player's head is a penalty stroke, so your hole-in-one is null and void.  Sorry!

Wow, not only is she destructive but a danger to others as well!  I had no idea Betty was such a klutz!  And just a few stories earlier in the same issue of this comic she was an ace third baseman for Riverdale High.  After she quit the baseball team, was there some kind of curse bestowed upon her?

Yes, tell her!  Tell us all!  We're just dying of suspense!

And speaking of dying, I don't think it's wise, considering her losing streak thus far, to allow Betty access to firearms.  I'd hate to see her have to do time for manslaughter, even though she'd still be a young woman by the time she was paroled.

So Betty's reputation for being klutzy is elevated to the point where the group of men who held all these contests (and where is the woman who held the billiards tournament?) ran down to Trophys-R-Us and chipped in for her very own grey goblet.  And she gets to keep it provided she doesn't sign up for any more contests!  Yes, not even pie-eating!  Think of the chaos that would ensue if Betty showed up!

Frankly, Betty, I would be insulted if I were you!  But no, all that matters is that you got a trophy, no matter the hollow meaning behind it!  Think Archie will be impressed?  Think again!

And we still don't know who the brunette is!  Betty never addressed her by name!  Hmmm...oooooh, I get it!  It's all about you, Betty!  And I thought Veronica was self-centered!  I AM surprised at you!

OK, that'll do it for this post!  Stay tuned for the next one featured everyone's favorite strong but morbidly obese cherub, Little Lotta (yeah, there's a contradiction in terms!).

Excelsior!

Summer's here, and the time is right for being shipped off to camp!

 Here it is, my first entry to this blog!  Today we look at a Richie Rich story published in Richie Rich Millions #55 (dated Sept. 1972) titled "Camp Much-A-Money".  Richie is none too thrilled when he is forced by his mother to spend the summer at an exclusive (and expensive) summer camp.  Not being one to disappoint his mother, he tells her he'll "give it a try."  Will he have Bill Murray as a camp counselor?  Probably not!  Will he have the time of his life or will he sneak out of his dorm in search of a phone begging his parents to come pick him up?  Read on and see!

 Geez, Mrs. Rich, what's the matter with you?  You don't even have time to meet with the people in charge of Camp Much-A-Money?  You just drop Richie off and barrel down the road in your limo!  Yeah, like the saying goes, just because you have money don't mean you have class!

And Richie, how can you come to the conclusion that the place is dull?  You just got there!  Give it a chance!  Besides, the guard did say that "you can have anything you wish."  ANYTHING???  Hmmmm!  Why don't you ask Jeeves there for a harem to be flown in?  Not gonna happen, though; this IS a Harvey comic...

 OK, so after a couple of hours of fishing with no luck (yeah, I skipped a page), Richie gets back in time to sneer at a couple of fellow rich kids just lounging around getting waited on hand and foot.  Well, why not?  It's nice to be pampered, at least every now and then.  Then again, the guys in the shade probably never have to lift a finger at their mansions, either!  I see FAT CAMP in their not-too-distant future!

And at the driving range, I'm with Richie on this one!  As frustrating a game as golf is sometimes, I'd rather use a plain old golf ball than one that can guarantee a hole-in-one just by breathing on it!  The kid who hit that ball seemed proud of the fact that he's no Happy Gilmore!

 At this point, Richie has had enough of this place and is determined to make his escape!  Unfortunately he's stopped dead in his tracks by a talking parking meter!  What, no wall?  No gun turrets placed strategically around the camp?  Nope, just a pole ordering him to return or he'll be hunted down like a dog!

Then the guard informs him that "a boy stays here the allotted time!"  What is this place, a summer camp or a JDC?  So far, I'm getting the impression that this place is a mashup of juvy hall and Club Med.

 And immediately after he's told NOT to go off by himself, guess what?  Yep, he's off in another direction and making his way towards the Guides Dorm.  GUIDES???  Let's call them what they really are; prison guards!!!

And then Richie gets the idea to slip past the guards by borrowing a uniform that just happened to be hanging around in the Guides Dorm.  Um...is no one standing guard at the front of the dormitory???  Looks like no one is even in the building!  Pretty sloppy there, guards!

 You would think the first question out of the gate guard's mouth would be "Hey, kid!  What are you doing wearing one of my uniforms?"  Evidently this guard is about as clueless as Clark Kent's co-workers at the Daily Planet.  For a camp that obviously receives enormous cash flow from their high-end clientele, their HR department drops the ball when it comes to hiring guides/guards.  Still, though, Richie's plan is thwarted by a simple request for a password.  Fortunately for people who actually work at such a place today, they don't actually have to be confined if they forget the password; a photo ID badge or retina scan is enough to secure a bit of freedom.

 Yes, I skipped another page in the interest of keeping the posts relatively short, but Richie's plan to escape by hiding in a laundry truck strikes out when he discovers the camp has it's own on-site laundry.  So he attempts to pole vault over the electric beam and gives up on that plan (which looks like it could have worked!) when he hits one single soft spot!  Does he attempt another vault on more solid ground?  Nooooo!   He takes inspiration from actual prison escapees before him and starts tunneling his way below the electric beams!  Will he make it?  Or will the tunnel collapse on him, dirt filling his lungs and smothering him?  Just scroll down a bit to find out!

Yes, Richie is FREEEEE!  And almost immediately, he puts himself in danger again by trying to hitch a ride!  Bad form there, Rich!  You should know better, especially being as high-profile as you are!  Stranger danger, stranger danger!!!

Fortunately, the first car that comes along just happens to be occupied by his parents!  They've come to take him home because it's, you know, the last day of camp!  LAST DAY???  Exactly how much time has elapsed since he was dropped off!  There's not a single panel showing nightfall anywhere in this story!  A 12-hour summer camp.  REALLY???

And in the last panel, he bemoans the fact that he'll be returning next year!  Hey, suck it up, Richie!  You won't even be there an entire day if this story is any indication!


Sooooo...did you like this first entry?  Feel free to post comments below and subscribe to this blog!  I'll try to have new posts at least a couple of times a week!  Plenty more in store, so stay tuned!

If this is your first time here, READ THIS FIRST!!!

Hi,

I'd like to take this opportunity to welcome you to this brand spanking new blog, Funny Book Funnies!

So what is this blog about, exactly?

Well, I'll be uploading scans of various comic book stories and making fun of them!

There's plenty of material to draw from in the 80+ years of the existence of the American comic book!

I might even pull from material published from abroad.  You never can tell!

This blog will be similar to the Stupid Comics site!  If you're unfamiliar with that site, you can find it HERE!

The only difference is that you'll be able to post comments!

BTW, I should warn you, that I tend to be very politically incorrect!  So if you offend easily, I suggest you leave this site immediately and head to your safe space!

For the rest of you, I hope you'll enjoy my future posts and subscribe to this blog!  Invite your family and/or friends, too!

I will try to post at least once a week!  And maybe, I'll be open to a submission by one of you loyal readers!

Anyway, I'm glad you're here and hope you'll stick around for the ride!

Excelsior!

Alan